Reason to Believe
by Drive all night
Summary: What happens next...Coming back was just the beginning, that was the easy part...Burzek
1. After the Kiss

**A/N: I couldn't help myself...I'm sorry. I can't wait until next week to find out what happens next. I just hope they take it slow and you know, be adults and talk about things.**

"Wow, so ummm." Adam pulled away. "So Hi." His hands were still on her forearms, holding her just a little tighter than he probably should have and his fingers were massaging her triceps. Her body had moved closer, into his very personal space and her hands were gripping the waist of his jacket. It was definitely the type of cold Chicago night that would take you breath away but that wasn't the reason they were both struggling to get some air into their lungs. He'd almost said he was sorry, but he wasn't. He was sorry for a lot of things but kissing her just now wasn't one of them.

"You've already said that." Kim chuckled nervously. The dark Chicago night was masking his face a little but they were staring at each. It was confusing and perfect and she couldn't even remember how cold she was anymore. As she'd stepped out of the warmth of the District it had hit her right between the eyes. "I've missed you."

"It's only been a couple of weeks."

"No, I've missed you for a long time." Wherever he had been it had been good for him. He was looking just about flawless.

Suddenly he took a step back and shoved his hands in his pockets. The fingerless gloves, well the only good thing about them was his fingertips were numb so even if he did touch her skin he wouldn't feel it and that would be a good thing. "Yeah? Well, it's good to be back." He nodded his head towards the District, so dark and imposing behind them. "I should show my face."

"Nobody's there. They've all gone to Molly's." As the initial shock had worn off the nerves were starting to kick in and this strangely familiar thud in her chest. It had been more than a year since she'd felt like this and god how that hurt.

"Oh." Adam kicked the ground with toe of his boot.

"They are all there and I am sure they'd love to see you."

"Nah." He got the feeling that his welcome home wasn't going to be a nice as this one had been. Voight was pissed with him, he was pretty sure of that. "How's it been?"

Kim shook her head lightly. This was surreal; she could not believe Adam was standing in front of her. Any minute now she was going to wake up and find out that it wasn't real, he wasn't really here and he hadn't just kissed her. And what a kiss? It was soft at first, tentative even but they had soon lost their heads and it had gone deeper, their tongues seeking out each other and even pulling apart took a few precious seconds as they kept pressing their lips together wanting to taste each other just one more time. "Good, different, hard." She stuttered nervously.

"Yeah? How's O been?"

"Well he's not my biggest fan but we are getting better."

"Ouch." He knew precisely how Al could be and whereas he pushed back, refused to let Al dim him light until he begrudgingly accepted him he could see that Kim would take it to heart but he had every faith in her and she would win him over. That was one of other reasons he left because he didn't want it to be awkward for her while she was finding her feet, if Voight noticed that they couldn't work together like adults he didn't want her to be bumped back to Patrol because right from the very start he knew this was what she wanted. He wasn't going to be the one to take that away from her.

They were going to challenge her, without a doubt and Voight and Al would be watching her every move. If by him being there it made it harder for her to settle in and find her feet then that wasn't fair. Already she was passed over because of him or what Voight thought was going on between them, and then she turned it down out what she claimed as some sense of loyalty to her partner although as far as he was concerned it was just out of fear. And this was not the place to be scared. This was her last chance.

So he risked his own career for hers.

"And it was pretty awkward up there today. The new guy.." she screwed up her nose. "..I don't like him."

"The new guy? My replacement?"

"Yes. Kenny Rixton, from the Gang Unit. Bit of a trade down if you ask me." Kim wrapped her arms around herself to protect herself from a sudden blast of wind and noticed the slightly bemused look on Adam's face. She had made it sound like he had traded down to Intelligence, which was so far from the truth it wasn't funny. He'd skated in on his history with Voight, but then this was how this unit worked. Some got free passes and other's worked for an opportunity. "For us I mean, not Rixton."

"Voight's old unit?" Adam was mulling that over and Kim nodded her head. "Good to know." Adam grimaced at the cold and the revelation. He had been replaced, not surprising really but he hoped he would have the same latitude as others. It wasn't like he'd run off and got wasted, he'd taken a job, an Undercover Job that would look good on his CV and help him garner some more experience. He'd only ever worked in Intelligence and done things Voight's way. It was good to see how other's worked and see how he adjusted. How he'd done it probably wasn't the best but it was too late now. Before he even set foot back in the District again he had the sinking feeling there would be no welcome back party in the Bullpen. "Anyway I should let you go." He rested a hand on her shoulder. "It's really good to see you again."

Adam turned to leave and Kim took a quick step towards him and touched his hand lightly. "Where are you staying?" Suddenly she did not want to see the back of him, she couldn't bear to see him walking away from her, not again. "I went by your place, it's cleaned out."

"I'll just crash at my Pops place." Waving his hand off in some distant direction.

"Stay at my place." Wow, that was the last thing she expected to come out of her mouth and Adam looked just as surprised.

"Kim, we can't."

"Stay on the couch, at least for tonight. It's late and cold and I don't know about you but I could do with something to eat and a beer." Neither of them wanted to walk away from each other, something had shifted, the earth had moved under their feet again. Whether it was good or bad was unclear but something had to happen and it did. Now they needed to work out what to do about it. Perhaps at the end of the day they would do nothing. Put each other in their pasts and close the door for good. Or not.

"Aren't you going to Molly's?"

"No, They are having a drink with Rixton to apologise for accusing him of being a rat, of turning on his old unit. They have Indictments coming down the tube and he's the only one that isn't on that list. Voight had told us nothing about him so it got a little testy when everyone found out. I get it, they want to know if they can trust him, but hey I am the new girl so I stayed out of it." She was probably saying a little too much but she felt like he had the right to know what he was walking back into tomorrow. The sudden case of verbal diarrhoea was amusing enough though; he'd heard her ramblings before when she was nervous about something and Adam's mouth twitched with the faintest of smiles. "He also was an ass to Kev reminding him he'd spent his time writing parking tickets on Patrol. You know me, I love to hold a grudge."

Adam laughed, the puff of cold air circling his head as he stamped his feet. It was getting way too cold to stay outside for much longer. "Are you sure you don't mind me crashing, just for a night."

"Adam." She tugged on his arm. "Of course I don't mind."


	2. The Photo

Going back in her place was a little more than he expected and he wasn't sure if it was a good idea, but then again it was freezing out and he had few other options. He was trying not to think of what went on here in the past. While he was away he decided that he couldn't look back, that he didn't want to live in the past and worry about the what if's. It is what it is, this was now and while he couldn't change the past he could make sure he didn't make the same mistakes. He had waited outside the District in the hopes of seeing her. Something told him that of all the people here she wouldn't turn him away. Kevin probably wouldn't either but he wasn't going to lie to himself anymore. He wanted her to be the first to know he was back, it felt right. He didn't know why but he knew that it did.

"What do you feel like eating?" Kim dropped her bag behind her door and hung up her coat.

"Anything's good." Adam was standing by the door, nervously clutching his duffel bag. Now that he was here he knew the answer to his previous question. Is this a good idea? No, it wasn't. "I can run out and pick something up? Is that pizza joint still open down the road?"

"It is. Still the best pizza in all of Chicago." Kim disappeared into her kitchen and had a quick look in her fridge to make sure she had some wine or a beer. She hadn't had much of a chance to get any shopping. Basically she would pick up something on the way home at 7 or 8 or 9 depending on the day. She was putting in long hours, making sure all her reports and files were up to date. There was no way she was getting pulled up for that again. Al had chewed her out for taking files home and then leaving them on the front seat of her car. She only did that once.

"Not sure about that but it's not bad." He dropped his bag with a thud causing Kim's head to snap up suddenly. "Sorry."

"I'll go."

"Are you worried that I won't come back?" While the words were light and sounded like them back when things were good now thought it was all a little forced. Perhaps they were trying too hard? Perhaps they couldn't do this? He had to push that thought away, that kiss, he'd felt it, he knew what he wanted but he just didn't know how to get there.

"No. And I'll hold you bag ransom so you'll have to come back."

"You'd do that?"

"Yes, yes I would. Now that you are here I'd really like to spend some time with you. Is that ok?"

His hands were shoved in his pockets and he was rocking back and forward on his heels. Kim could tell that he was nervous. Hell, she wasn't much better. "Sure."

While Kim grabbed a shower Adam ran down to the Pizza store and ordered and picked up some beers while he was out. When he got back Kim had made up the couch for him. He took off top off a beer and handed it to her and took one for himself. Lifting the lid on the Pizza box Kim smiled. He remembered. Her favourite Pizza had tomato, basil and spinach with mushrooms on the side and that was exactly what was sitting on the table in front of them. "My favourite?" The mushrooms were always on the side because he hated them and rather have her miss out he always got them on the side for her. It had always been the little things he did. Why in the hell did she expect some big grand gesture when he was all about the small moments?

"Is it?" Letting his head drop to the side he winked at her. She nudged him lightly with her foot. Despite sitting on the same small couch they were miles apart. Kim had curled her feet up under her and pushed herself deep into the corner to get away from him, not because she didn't want to be close to him it was because she knew what would happen if she was and it was too soon to contemplate that. There was no way they were going to paper over these cracks.

They talked about work and his UC Assignment, well as much as he could tell her anyway and slowly they could feel the tension dissipate. They laughed a bit when Kim filled him in on Atwater's comedy show and he was sorry he missed it. Not only had he missed her he also missed his family. For a long time he had pushed Atwater to go to an open mike night and he was sad that he wasn't there to back him up but it sounded like everyone else was. Atwater had hugged Kim after his bit and told her that he was sorry that Adam wasn't there and Kim couldn't agree more. He would be so proud of his buddy.

"Do you mind if I grab a shower?"

"Not at all." Kim jumped up off the couch. "I'll get you a towel." She was back in a minute with a couple of towels and Adam thanked her again for letting him stay.

Kim helped tidied up the mess from dinner while he showered. It was hard not to think about him in her bathroom. It was hard not to think about him in general and she had failed pretty miserably lately. The bang of the pipes told her that he had switched off the shower and when he still hadn't come out ten minutes later she went looking for him.

Sitting on the edge of her bed he was dressed in a pair of clean jeans and t-shirt and in his hands was a photo frame. That damn photo. Pulling it out of his desk draw had shaken her. Why did he still have it? And then she remembered the day it was taken, not long after they got engaged. They'd gone to a music festival and Kevin had snapped the photo when Adam had given her a piggyback. It had been the perfect day, like so many of the days they spent together.

Adam didn't look up at her but he knew she was there. "We were happy weren't we?" he asked sadly.

"We were." She agreed, not daring to move from her position in the doorway.

"When did I stop making you happy?"

"Adam."

"Tell me what I did." That's all he wanted to know. He couldn't move on because he had no closure.

"Honestly I don't remember." That was a lie because she had thought about nothing else for weeks; it was just that she was too scared to say it out loud. He'd been honest with her earlier when he told her why he'd run from Intelligence so she owed him the same courtesy.

"Come on Kim, I must have done something to make you stop believing in me."

"I thought that you were going to break my heart so I stupidly believed it was better if I ended it before that happened."

His thumb was running along the edge of the photo. "Why did you think I was going to break your heart?"

"I don't know."

He looked up at her and Kim could see that he was confused. "So you ended our relationship and you have no idea why?" He wasn't that stupid, she knew why.

"You didn't want to get married."

"What?" He didn't sound as angry as she expected, he just sounded sad.

"Setting a date, you didn't want to set a date." Trying to explain the push test without making her sound like a stark raving lunatic was impossible. This was the best she could come up with.

"Huh?"

"When I asked you setting a date you said you were happy to push it back a year."

"Isn't that what you wanted? Time to get it right? That's what you said." He put the photo back on her nightstand where he had found it. "You know I was starting to think that you didn't want to marry me, you kept telling me you wanted to wait and then you gave me back my ring and all my fears became real. You didn't want me and my battered male ego wasn't about to make a fool of myself particularly because you seemed happy to be away from me. You looked to be in physical pain when I was around."

"Adam."

He held up his hand. "It's okay Kim. I couldn't force you to love me. You wouldn't talk to me and I couldn't keep hanging onto this hope." He put his hand on his chest. "This hope I had in my heart that you would realise that you did love me. And then…." His voice tailed off. That was one thing he didn't want to talk about. "..well you moved on."

"I did want to marry you so much and then I found out about your engagement to Nicole and I started to worry about what that meant."

"I told you what that meant."

"I know, I know it was a stupid teenage thing. It wasn't the fact that you were engaged three times it was about your commitment to actually going through with it."

"With what? Marriage? Sure, I was scared. Weren't you? But I wanted to try with you, more than anything but you didn't want that. You kept putting it off." Again his utter devastation was confronting as well as the realisation that she had done this to him. Adam was a larger than life ball of energy and heart and she had broken him.

"I listened to people, I sought advice from people who I don't think had my best interests at heart."

"I don't want to talk about him." He now had his elbows resting on his knees and he was clasping his hands tightly together. She didn't need to tell him who she got advice from; he'd had his suspicions all along who was putting doubts in her mind. She had told him as much very early on in their engagement that he was telling her not to marry a cop, back when they actually used to talk about things. He picked the photo up again. "Do you remember this day?"

"I do." Kim came and sat next to him on the bed and looked at the photo. "That was a great day."

"There was a time that I really did make you happy right?"

"All the time Adam, it wasn't you. I know that now, it wasn't all you. Sure, did I want you to do things differently? Absolutely but were those things big enough to ruin this." She pointed to the photo. "No, no it wasn't. I don't know why I stopped believing in you. I'm sorry. I hurt you and that day in court..."

He held up his hand. "Don't. I don't want to talk about that right now. I can't."

"Okay. One day soon though." If this was going to have any hope of survival or they were going to give it another go it had to be discussed. If that's what they were doing, and surely that kiss meant they were at least willing to talk about it?

"Why do you have this?" He loved the photo, the day it was taken he had asked Kevin to send it to him and the very next day it was on the corner of his desk and it stayed there until she ripped his heart out. Even then he couldn't get rid of it so he put it in his drawer and tried to ignore it. The last time he pulled it out and looked at it was that day, after court he'd come back to the district sat at his desk with it in his hands and sobbed his heart out. He'd fucked everything up again, like he always did. He was sick of putting his heart on the line only to get it broken time and time again. Something was wrong with him; that much was obvious he just couldn't figure out what it was. All he had done was exactly what she asked him to do. Push back the wedding, look for an apartment he'd done all that and it still wasn't enough. Sure he'd blown off dinner with her mother and that was crappy but of all the things that they'd done, of all the things he'd tried to do to make her happy the one time he let her down she'd turned her back on him. He got no second chance, no opportunity to make it up to her, no explanation. He got nothing and he was left holding his broken heart.

"I found it in your desk drawer when we switched desks."

"You bought it home?"

"I did, I didn't want to hide it back in the drawer."

"I couldn't get rid of it. I know you had stopped loving me, but that's not how I felt."

"Adam." Kim slipped her hand into his. "That was never what this was about. I know you loved me and I loved you too, so much."

He put it back on the nightstand. He liked the thought of her having it beside her at night. If he'd known that she had it the past weeks of agonising soul searching would have been easier to bear because while he knew what he wanted he was almost paralysed by his fear that it was too late. Surely her having this photo meant that she still had some feelings for him? "Do you think we'll ever be that happy again?"

"I really hope so."

Rubbing his hands up and down his thighs he looked at her briefly before standing up. Perhaps they'd had enough soul searching for one night. "Me too." Leaning over he kissed her lightly, nothing like the passionate kiss of earlier but perhaps it meant more. It was full of hope. "Good night."


	3. The Morning After

Kim rolled over and the first thing she saw when her eyes adjusted to the morning light was the photo. Lately it had been the first thing she looked at every morning, she smiled a little and then remembered. She didn't have to look at this photo anymore and wish that things were different; she didn't have to wish that he was here because he was just a few short steps away and he was close enough to touch.

Sleep hadn't come easily that's for sure. They'd experienced some highs and lows last night. The kiss was burned into her soul, it was passionate and they both ached for more. The second time he'd kissed her it had been short and sweet and soft. In between they'd tried to just let the conversation flow and then they started to get down to the nitty gritty of what went wrong.

Painful memories laid bare. Their Stupidity, immaturity and stubbornness put out on the table and while it felt like they were picking over the carcass of their failed relationship there had been some hope that a new life would be born from those bones.

Kim wondered if she had time for a quick run? She'd wasted a lot of time thinking about last night. More to the point she spent too much time thinking about Adam. He looked so good, his time away had changed him and not just physically. There was something more worldly about him and that could only be a good thing, surely.

Adam hadn't had the same issues with sleeping as she did. Once his head hit the pillow he was out. It had been a long drive to get back to Chicago and he wanted to get back more than anything. He wanted to see his home again. Only briefly when he stripped down and curled up on her couch did he think about Kim. He was happy seeing her again, he was happy kissing her again and he was happy that she seemed pleased to see him. Everything else was going to take time.

Kim crept into the kitchen and grabbed a banana as quietly as she could, she couldn't run on an empty stomach. As she grabbed her IPod and earphones she stole a look at Adam. His arm flung behind his head, the sheet pushed down a little exposing his chest. He couldn't stay here, this was the best thing she'd seen in this apartment in a long time and it was pure torture. Pulling her headband over her ears and slipping on her gloves she crept out of the apartment and hit the pavement hoping that she could zone out all the chaotic and overwhelming thoughts smashing around in her head.

"Good Morning." he was sitting up at the kitchen table, showered and dressed sipping a coffee when she got back.

"Hey. How'd you sleep?"

"Pretty good even though I felt like I was squished into a sardine can." Adam eyed her up and down; he wasn't going to hide the fact that he liked what he saw. "The pink sheets were a nice touch."

"Beggars can't be choosers." She grabbed a glass of water and leant on the bench with her elbows while she stretched her calves. "You coming into the District?"

"Yep. Not looking forward to it I gotta say."

"Why not?" Watching her stretch was helping him take his mind off his impending doom. Those damn legs, lean and strong. How many times had she wrapped them around his waist? He shook the thought from his mind.

"You think Voight is going to roll out the welcome mat?"

"I think everyone is going to be happy to see you and know that you are alright."

"Except the new guy?"

"Pfft." Kim placed her glass in the sink and headed towards her bedroom, calling out over her shoulder. "Who cares what he thinks. The sooner he's gone the better. Wouldn't trust him as far as I could kick him."

"You want some company?" Adam teased and Kim stopped in her tracks and leant backwards out the door with a huge smile on her face.

"What if I said yes?"

"Ummm, I know your kidding." She was surprised that he was actually seemed genuinely shocked by her response. "Right?"

"Of course."

That felt better, it felt almost normal and he'd definitely missed being around her. They were practically living together before it all turned to shit and by the time he got home that night she'd taken all her stuff, except that bloody toothbrush that mocked him mercilessly for months. He half expected her to be sitting on the sofa when he got home and then they could talk this shit out but the place was dark. Al and Michelle had come home an hour or so later and he was still sitting in the dark with her engagement ring tightly clenched in his hand. He didn't want to let it go because when she came back for it he wanted to slide it back where it belonged. She never came back.

This morning she did came back and sat down briefly to have a coffee and a quick breakfast with him. "So I talked to Atwater."

"This morning? You told him I'm back?"

Kim shook her head. "No, I thought you'd want that privilege. I talked to Kev when I first came up to Intelligence. You seemed to be avoiding me."

"I was." Adam was surprised that she chose now to have a conversation like this. It wasn't like that had all the time in the world to let it go where it needed to go. "I thought I told you that last night."

He remembered that night. Atwater bought over a couple of beers while they were at Molly's for Antonio's farewell. "You hear that?"

"What?" Adam picked up his beer and tapped Kev's glass.

"Voight just bought up Burgess."

Adam took a long slow pull on his beer. "Oh, good."

"Yeah?"

Nonchalance was a hard thing to fake but he was damn well going to try. "Sure, it's what she wants."

"What about you?"

"Doesn't matter does it. It's been a long time since I mattered."

Kevin wasn't buying what he was trying to sell. They'd spent too much time together and Kev had watched him walk away from chick after chick over the past year. He wasn't over her, not by a long shot. Burgess had done one hell of a number on his buddy. "Dude come on."

"What Kev?" Up until now he had kept things pretty well bottled up. "What?"

"You seem okay with her lately."

"I seem okay?" He rolled his eyes, draining the rest of his beer in one mouthful. "Sure, I am fine. She wants to come up and be in Intelligence, good for her. It's what she always wanted, who am I to rain on her parade?"

"What happened?" Kev had asked a few times but got nothing. He thought his buddy was being stubborn but he'd said a couple of things along the way that made him think that Adam was just as much in the dark as everyone else. One thing he did know was that his mate had done a lot of hard yards over the past year, every time she'd kicked him he'd got back up. After that day in court he thought that it would be the end of it for him. That he'd finally realise that she'd gone and he'd stop waiting for her but it wasn't.

Kevin had felt pretty shit that he'd been caught up in having a beer with Roman, it had been awkward and he'd stumbled nervously when Kim came into Molly's. Kim and him were tight, they'd always had been, she was like his sister and he wanted her to be happy. He thought that she was happy with Adam but obviously not and she told him nothing. It didn't take long for him to figure out that the main problem with these two was lack of communication and the interference of a third party.

With his guilt riding high he'd blurted out to Adam that he'd had a drink with Roman and not surprising Adam just got up and left. Grabbed his keys, phone and wallet and walked out without a word. They'd hashed it out the next day and that was the end of it. Being caught in the middle was an uncomfortable position so Adam promised him that he wouldn't put that on him so they agreed not to talk about his failed relationship.

"Your guess is as good as mine."

"Did you ever talk to her?" So it seemed that he was jumping right back into the middle again, but in fairness this changed things.

"Sure, right before I found out she was screwing her partner." Adam contemplated getting another beer but looking over at the bar he could see her sitting up there probably celebrating her promotion, as she had every right to do. Just like he had every right to be anywhere else but here.

He apologised to Antonio for quitting early and promised to catch up with him for a beer or two soon. When Kim turned around to look for him he was gone. It wasn't so long ago that he would have been at the bar lining up the shots to celebrate with her. That was before she took a sledgehammer to their relationship.

Loss was something he was getting used to. He'd lost his fiancé, the love of his life and now he'd lost his partner, Al and his desk. Being partnered up with Atwater was great but he missed Al. The guy was his Yoda. There was also the issue with the desk. Sitting opposite Al he could hide away around the corner if need be and focus but now every time he looked up he would be staring straight across the room at the woman who he just couldn't stop caring about.

So he'd ran and now he had the sinking feeling that he was about to lose his job too.

Kim was now watching him curiously, her teeth had caught the corner of her bottom lip and she sucked on it lightly. "Do you think I should have said no to Voight's offer?"

He did not hesitate. "No."

"I really do love it up there Adam, I don't want to leave."

"I don't want you too. This has always been your dream, I am proud of you."

"Yeah?"

He leant across the table and grabbed her hand, running his thumb back and forth over her knuckles softly. "I am so proud of you, don't ever doubt that."


	4. The Blues

"What did Voight say?" Kim was in the kitchen preparing a salad to go with dinner when Adam came in. Somehow one night had now become two. He dropped his bag beside the couch, which was still made up for him. In his other hand he had a six-pack of beer. Before putting them in the fridge he popped the top off one and handed it to Kim and grabbed one for himself. "Was he happy to see you?"

"I guess." Adam shrugged as walk over and flopped down on the couch. "He bumped me back down to Patrol."

"What? Why?" Kim followed him.

"I guess because I left him in the lurch."

"Well.."

"I know. I kinda guessed that's how it would go. I'm just a little pissed that's all."

"About Patrol? Adam you know it won't be for long. Voight knows how good you are."

"Yeah." He took a mouthful of beer and closed his eyes for just a second. "Can I tell you something? Just between us?"

He patted the couch beside him and waited until Kim sat down. "I guess I am a little pissed because Erin can come and go as she pleases but no one else gets the same privilege. I mean she skipped out and went on a bender for weeks and waltzes straight back in. I take an undercover gig and I get punished."

"I don't think it's the Undercover that annoyed Voight, it was not telling him."

"I know and I apologised for that. I told him I needed to get my head on straight because of you coming up. I was honest with him about that but that didn't seem to matter."

"Adam."

"It's okay Kim." He waved his hand. "I think we all know there are Voight's rules for some and Voight's rules for everyone else. I'm just bummed that's all. I love Intelligence."

"What are you going to do?" Neither of them had realised that they were leaning into each other just a little.

"My job."

"You'll be back."

Adam smiled and then added in his best Arnie voice. "I'll be back." Sadly his best Arnie voice was pretty terrible and they both laughed.

"What's in the bag?" Kim pointed at the overstuffed duffel bag he'd dropped by the couch. "It looks like you are slowly moving in."

"My Blues."

"Oh." Patting his thigh lightly as she stood up, ready to head back into the kitchen as the buzzer went off on the oven. "You know I really do love a man in semi-breathable polyester."

"I am not sure that's what I want to hear right now. I'm not the only one…."

"Let me rephrase that." She turned on a dime and placed her hand over his mouth playfully. She knew precisely where that was heading and now was not the time. "You rock that semi-breathable polyester like no man I've ever met before."

"Good to know." Finishing off his beer he followed her back into the kitchen and tossed the empty in the trash and grabbed another one from the fridge. Kim was pulling a lasagne from the oven and set it on the bench. Wordlessly Adam hunted around for some plates. They hadn't really talked about this current living situation but it felt comfortable falling back in a routine. "I met Rixton."

"What you think?"

"It was only brief. I was coming out and he was heading up. I told him not to worry, just do the job. He seems okay."

"Yeah, well. He's no you."

Adam just winked as he grabbed both plates once Kim had dished up the lasagne and took them through to her small kitchen table. Kim followed him with their beers, cutlery and a salad. "You know I am happy you are back, even if Voight isn't."

"Just gotta do my time hey?"

Kim chewed on her bottom lip as she pushed her food around her plate a little until Adam asked her what was up. He could always tell when she was thinking about something. "You know, what you said about Voight and Erin. Is that really how it is?"

"Sure. You kinda get used to it I suppose." He didn't want to make a big deal of it. It was the way it worked and while everyone knew it and he had talked about it with Kevin a couple of times they just accepted it. Nothing was going to change that and your choices were to suck it up or leave. "She gets away with a shit load more than anyone else. You think anyone else would get away with turning up to work after a bender and shooting a cop, skipping out on a piss test? We'd never set foot back in Intelligence? It just get's glossed over. Are you worried?"

"A little. I mean I still feel like I am walking on eggshells and that he could bump me anytime."

"I doubt that. Look, Kim just do your job, you've paid your dues and that got you up there. Now you are starting at the bottom again. Keep your head down, listen and watch and learn and you'll be fine. You've got Al, you've got Kev on your side and I know Erin and Halstead don't want to see you fail, Voight doesn't either." He leant over and ran his hand over her thigh lightly. "And me, I've got your back. Even if I am pounding the beat."

"I don't deserve you."

"Probably not." He shoved a mouthful of salad in his mouth. "But you are stuck with me."

Kim could see that he was far from happy but he didn't want to talk about it. What she did know was that he would front up and do his job, whatever it was. He wouldn't like it but he would do it, probably whinge a little especially if Platt rode him hard. Their relationship was just pure entertainment. They stirred each other up but Platt believed in him and Kim suspected that she secretly had a little bit of a crush on him. He didn't want to talk about much at all right now. Last night had been heavy but perhaps tonight it was time to just put their feet up, have a couple of beers and watch a movie and start working on that long lost friendship.

Before she left for work the next morning Adam grabbed her hand. "Can I just ask, don't get involved. Don't get into this. This is between Voight and me, I told him why I had to leave, if you make a big deal of it he might not think either of us can handle it. They don't have to know that I've seen you."

"You don't want people to know you are staying here?"

"Not right now. I don't want people to get the wrong impression."

"And what impression is that? That you and I are doing something we shouldn't?"

"I don't want to make this hard for either of us or people to start asking questions that you and I don't have any answers for."

Kim was a little annoyed. "What? That I am helping out a friend?" Did he honestly think she was going to run upstairs and scream from the top of her lungs that he was back and they kissed and now they were shacked up together? It would be nice if he gave her a little more credit.

"You know it is so much more than that? If Voight thinks we are together then I will never get back upstairs."

"So this is just about you and the fact you want your job back?"

"Hey, let's not forget that we were happy to sneak around so as not to ruin your chance at Intelligence." That probably came out a little harsher than he wanted it to and by the look on Kim's face he knew it was unappreciated. She remembered the day she told him that she had turned down Voight's offer without even discussing it with him after they had busted their asses to keep it on the down low. It had bugged him, one that she didn't discuss it with him and secondly he was already pissed off with Roman and his role in her getting shot and now she was staying on Patrol just to ease his guilt. He swallowed it though, maybe he shouldn't have. Hindsight is always twenty twenty, as the saying goes. "I just want to do what is best for both of us."

"Fine Adam." She slung her bag over her shoulder and grabbed her keys and phone. "You want to go back to barely acknowledging each other's existence. It's fine by me."

Putting himself between Kim and the door was the only thing he could think of to stop her storming out. "I am and always have been painfully aware of every single time you are around, because I feel it here." He pointed to his chest. "For months it hurt and now it is just a dull ache. This ache I have in my chest because I am near you and I want you. But for now our jobs come first. You've just been promoted, I am not ruining that for you so all I am asking is don't ruin my chance to get back upstairs."

She rested a hand on his chest before standing on her toes a little and kissing his rough cheek. "Okay."

"We good?"

"About this? Yes." And for now she was, there was plenty of other stuff that wasn't good but for this it she was good. It made perfect sense and while she was still getting her head around the last twenty-four hours it was for the best.

 _ **A/N: Now, I am not quite sure what the point of bumping Ruzek back down to patrol and then not actually seeing it. They had a goldmine of #PlatZek they could have used. I did love the little bit we got & man he does look good in a uniform. This show needs to stop rushing through storylines and doing half assed jobs of it.**_


	5. After the shots

Pushing open the door to Molly's was like coming home. Fortunately the good times they had here far outweighed the bad He'd managed to keep this place pretty much free from the angst of his pathetic love life. "Hey Hey. Here's my man." Atwater literally leapt off his stool when he saw Adam walking towards him with his arms spread wide. His hug was intense and although Adam was not a short ass Atwater literally picked him up off the floor. It felt nice to be back in this familiar place, now that he didn't have any place to live and had been kicked out of his job this was all he had.

"Okay Kev. You can put me down now." Adam laughed, almost breathlessly.

"Why didn't you tell me you were back? I found out from locker room gossip. Not cool."

"Oh that, sorry." He shrugged as a beer appeared in front of him. He smiled at Otis and clinked his glass with Atwater's. "It was pretty late when I got in and then, you know stuff happened."

"How was it?"

"Good man, it was really good. If you get the chance to do something like that take it. I learnt a lot. Just clear it with Voight first." To everyone Adam's laugh was genuine and they would probably laugh along with him but his best mate could tell it was forced. "Another lesson I learned."

"Yeah well…"

"It's okay Kev." He took another mouthful. He didn't really want to talk about it right now. It was what is was, Platt had told him to just put his head down and take it one shift at a time and that was exactly what he was going to do. What he didn't want was every man and his dog asking him how he was doing. "So how's it been up there?"

"Different. Nothing has felt quite right lately."

"Because of Rixton or Burgess?"

Kevin frowned. _Still with this Burgess shit?_ "Rixton of course, man you still got this stick up your ass about Burgess coming up?"

"Nope. I'm happy for her, you know that." Adam had never indicated to Kevin that he didn't think Kim didn't deserve it or that she wasn't capable. It was just being around her that freaked him out. "I hear she's doing well? I knew she would."

"Yep. She's killin' it. Well until today…" By the look on Adam's face Kev knew he'd hit the mark. While Kim hadn't said anything about him being back Kev got the distinct impression it wasn't news to her that he was back and had been bumped downstairs. When Kevin had asked his Sergeant about Ruzek being back Kim did not bat an eyelid. Considering her shocked outburst when they found out he'd left her silence upon hearing that he'd returned was very telling.

"What happened today? Is she okay?" Now his concerned response just confirmed that they had at least seen each other.

"Oh. You care?"

"Don't mess with me Kev. Of course I care." He ran his fingers up and down the side of his glass, capturing the condensation on his fingertips. "Not being able to stop caring was the problem."

"We were in shoot out earlier. She dropped the guy but he got up so I put one in his head. It rattled her a little. First shoot out since she's been upstairs."

Adam knew precisely what she would be feeling. It was the one part of the job that she found hard to deal with. It never stopped her, she never held back but afterwards she would feel it. "You made sure she was all right?" He knew he didn't even need to ask

"Bro, she's my girl." Adam never had to worry about what that meant with Kev. Kim was his girl; they were partners and best friends. Kim looked out for his brother and sister, she would baby sit for them, catch up for dinner and go to all their school events. Kevin never had any ulterior motives with regards to Kim. He trusted Kev with his life but more than that, he trusted Kevin with her life.

"The only guy who never let her down."

"Bro." he waited until Adam looked at him. "You gonna fix this shit?"

"Thinkin' about it."

"What's there to think about?"

"It's not just my decision. Remember I never wanted this in the first place." He cut Atwater with his eyes. "It wasn't my decision." And that was the god honest truth. He never wanted all this. He wanted to be married to her by now. Atwater knew it, he knew exactly the pain this had caused both of them. Fortunately his fears of being caught in a meat grinder never came true. Apart from the flare up about him having a beer with Roman Adam had pretty well played his cards close to his chest. Atwater had no idea who Ruzek talked to about his feelings about what Kim was doing but it certainly wasn't him.

Adam had no idea what Rixton leaving meant for him yet, he had hope but he wasn't going running to Voight to find out but at the moment he didn't really care. He wanted to get to Kim, he needed to see her and make sure she was okay. Kev ordered them another beer before he had the chance to bail. "Where you stayin'?"

"Pop's." He kept his answers short.

"You can crash at my joint."

"Yeah maybe." He looked at his phone, checking the time. "Not tonight though Kev, I promised my old man we'd have dinner before he went on shift. We haven't really caught up much yet." Swallowing the rest of his beer he threw a few bills on the bar and gave Kev a quick hug. "It's good to be back."

"You'll be back upstairs soon Bro."

"Hope so."

Kim's apartment was quiet when he got back and he thought she might have been out or already in bed but she was sitting cross-legged on the couch, the sheets and blankets all neatly made. That would be driving her insane, the mess he left the sheets in and he imagined the first thing she did when she got home was straighten them up.

Clutched tightly to her chest was the pillow that Adam had been using. It smelt like him and the fact it had been close to him was good enough for her right now and it stopped her arms and hands from shaking. Some part of her wanted to call him as soon as they got all squared away but she knew as soon as she heard his voice all this would come flooding out of her like a tidal wave and he was still at work. Half of her didn't want to run into his arms and show weakness but the other half, okay maybe three quarters, wanted to curl up in his arms and seek comfort and reassurance from the only man since her father that could give her that. The man she had walked away from.

Adam sat down on the table in front of her and rested his hands on her knees. "You okay?"

"Yep." She nodded.

"I talked to Atwater. Tough Day?"

"Yep." Her monosyllabic responses were not comforting and yep, he was out of his mind with worry.

Reaching up he touched her cheek softly. "Talk to me please."

Suddenly her head shot up like she hadn't even realised he was there. "Adam."

"Kim, talk to me. Are you okay?"

"How do you do this?"

"You've just gotta keep telling yourself it's him or me. They are trying to kill you, or your partner and your friends. They have usually done it before and they will keep doing it, killing innocent people. It's you or them." Kim looked down at his hands; his fingers were stroking her legs softly and even that small gesture calmed her. Despite that she couldn't hold the sob in and in an instant he was sitting beside her and pulling her into his arms.

While he cradled her head against his chest Kim was overwhelmed as his musky, slightly sweaty scent filled her nostrils and she tried to push away from him. "Shhh, Kim. It's okay." He was now rocking her gently. "Don't fight it, let it go."

This bought back so many memories. How many times had he done this? Comforted her? It obviously wasn't enough though. All those nights he sat on this couch, on the kitchen floor or in their bedroom as she cried when work had got too much. The day she spent the Warehouse and killed a man and he had climbed into the shower fully dressed because she was sobbing on the floor, when she found that kid in the fridge, after she was shot, when Nadia died. Without even thinking he was there for her. He tried to be there for her when she was charged with shooting an un-armed black kid even though she hated the sight of him, even though she was screwing her partner. His first thought had been, I need to be there for her.

Today, when he heard what went down from Kevin it was innate, his need to be here with her; even if she pushed him away. They may never get back to where they were but he wasn't going down without a fight and he had never let her down when she was here, at rock bottom and he wasn't about to start.

He didn't tell Kim about meeting up with Rixton until much later. Once she had calmed down and had something to eat and had a shower. Adam was stretched out on the couch when she came back and he had half expected her just to go to bed. It was late and she had to work in the morning. Kim tapped his legs, indicating that he needed to move his legs so that she could sit.

"So how was the 27th?"

"Painfully boring. I know you loved Patrol but I hate it. The only good day I had on Patrol was that day I worked with you." What surprised him was that Kim was resting her hand on his leg. One arm was draped over the back of the couch and she was facing him slightly but it was the hand on the leg that was making it hard to concentrate. "Remember that?"

"How could I forget? I think I had a crush on you after that day."

"I know." He winked and Kim blushed. He was still engaged to Wendy and reluctantly planning their wedding. Not that he thought, at that stage that he didn't want to marry Wendy but he was hating the flurry of wedding plans that were thrust at him night after night. Despite that no sane person could deny feeling good about themselves when someone showed an interest and that was the vibe he started getting from Kim that day.

"Oh okay, how about you park your ego at the door."

"Just this once. Anyway, I went back to the 21st to clear out my locker."

"I don't want to hear about it." She dug her fingers into his thigh a little and it sent a shockwave through him. "You belong at the 21st."

"At least someone thinks so." Without thinking about what he was doing he was dragging his fingers over her knuckles. "Anyway, Rixton came in. He's taking a job in Narcotics."

Kim sat up suddenly. "So you're back?"

"Not so fast. I don't know what it means. Voight might want me to stay on Patrol for a bit. I am not getting my hopes up."

"Bullshit."

Adam laughed. "Well yes, you got me. I am getting my hopes up but I refuse to worry about it tonight. Whatever happens; happens."

Like two nights previous they just looked at each other and when Adam reached out and tucked the curl of hair behind her ear Kim leant into him and kissed him very slowly. He held onto her cheek and stopped her from pulling away until they were just about to fall over the edge. When they pulled apart they could both feel the smile on each other's face as their lips touched again briefly.

"I can't wait to work with you upstairs." She threw her arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. "We can make this work."

"We can do anything."

God, he hoped that was true.


	6. Into the Fire

Adam looked at the phone is his hand. The early morning call didn't wake him, hearing Kim in shower had done that but he was contemplating how much trouble he'd be in if he accidently walked in on her so his ringing phone caught him by surprise. He wasn't expecting Voight to be quite so keen to put him out of his misery. Honestly he was anticipating having to sit it out on Patrol for a few more shifts yet, even though Rixton had left.

"Ruzek, I expect you to be at your desk by 8." Voight barely gave him a chance to speak. "There is no third chance." And that was the end of it as far as Voight was concerned.

"Got it Boss."

"What are you smiling at?" Kim wandered through the lounge into the kitchen to make her morning coffee. She had just got out of the shower and was dressed for work but still had her wet hair wrapped up in a towel.

"That was Voight."

Kim dropped her spoon on the bench and came to stand next to the couch and looked as happy as he felt. "You're back?"

"I am back." Excitedly he jumped up and picked Kim up in a fierce hug. He set her down on her feet. "You sure you are okay with this?"

She cocked her head to the side and frowned a little. "Really Adam? Yes, I am fine. I am so happy for you." She punched him lightly in the chest before turning back towards the kitchen. "You want coffee?"

"I'm going to grab a shower. Voight wants me there by 8, so I wanna be there by 730."

Waving her hand back and forth between them she asked. "So? We going to just pretend all this is not happening?"

"You make it sound bad or sleazy."

"No. It's not. I am just checking in so that we get this right. I want to make sure we are on the same page that's all."

He came and stood behind Kim and rested his hands on her hips and his chin on her shoulder. "Super Professional." And then pressed a little kiss behind her ear.

"That's us."

Kim felt her heart race a little as she headed upstairs knowing that Adam was already up there, he'd left a good half hour before her because he couldn't sit still. "Hey Ruzek. Welcome Back." She added, perhaps a little too cheerfully and his eyes shot up from his computer screen and smiled a little. "Burgess." He nodded. "Man, I honestly didn't think I got so many emails." He tapped his keyboard, deleting email after email. "Seriously."

And that's what they did, worked together until everything went to shit.

Ruzek bounded into the Bullpen but Kim wasn't there. "Where are they?" He pointed to Al and Burgess's desks, not directing his question at anyone in particular. His heart had fallen through his feet when he got the call from Halstead.

"Kim went to Med to check on Al."

"What'd we know?"

"Not much. 33 confirmed dead, Lexi is hanging in there." Halstead shook his head sadly as Adam shrugged out of his jacket and hung it on the back of his chair. "You checked in with Kim?" He asked Atwater knowing full well that Kim would have been the first person he called.

"Yeah, a little while ago." He wanted to ask more but that was going to blow their cover and he had eyes on him so grabbing his phone and sending her a message was probably not the wisest thing he could do but be damned if he cared. Not only was he worried about Kim and how she was coping but AL, man this would break him. She responded almost immediately that she was okay, Al was hanging in there and there was no change with Lexi.

And then Voight came back and informed them that Intelligence had just picked up a case. "What case?"

"The Kimball Warehouse Fire. We are looking for a killer." It knocked every single one of them on their asses and he gave them just a minute to deal with it before he started barking orders and they all switched gears and put their heads down and did their job. "That is what we need to do. This is what we are going to do. We will find this animal."

Nothing else mattered. Nothing, and they would do whatever they needed to do and let it take them down whatever rabbit hole they needed to go down to find the person responsible. Everything else had to be pushed aside. Even when Voight sent him out with Burgess to chase up surveillance footage, he did not even give it a second thought.

"You okay?" He asked the moment they were in the car and pulling out of the lot.

"I am. Al, though, he's a mess." He could hear the breath catch in her throat. "Meredith is with him now."

When they were a couple of blocks from the District Adam grabbed her hand and squeezed it. "Let me know if you need anything, okay?"

"We need to find this guy Adam. For Al and for all those other kids and their families."

"This is Intelligence, no one is smarter than all of us. No one."

When Voight came out of his office and broke the news that Lexi had died it was like the rug had been pulled out from under them. Kim was the first to recover when Voight tried to get their minds back on the job and listening to her stumble her way through her lead was terribly heartbreaking but luckily the tears in his eyes from hearing the news about Lexi covered up the tears from listening to Kim struggle to hold it together.

Sitting back at her desk Adam peered at her over his monitor and she was struggling. When Erin and Jay headed out to chase a lead Kim slipped out quietly into the locker room. Trudy, god love her noticed and leant over and whispered. "Go." He'd never been able to get anything past her, neither of them had.

"Hey." Adam leant on the locker and watched her for a moment. Kim had her eyes closed and was resting her head against the wall as she straddled the bench.

"This hurts."

"It does."

"Are you checking up on me? People will talk."

"Don't care." He shrugged. "Yes I am checking up on you. Your partner just lost his daughter. Our friend just lost his daughter. I want to make sure you are okay. That's what this team does."

"He was your partner too."

"I know and trust me we are going to find who did this and then we are going to be there for Al. Right now though I am making sure you are okay, telling you that you are doing a good job and getting your head back in the game. We need your attention to detail."

When Lindsay and Burgess narrowed their search after talking to the victim things moved pretty quickly and Adam was caught up with the arrest back at the District while Kim spent some time with Al and Meredith making sure that they weren't overwhelmed with visitors before they all met up at Molly's for a drink. The mood, obviously was muted and the whole joint was filled with first responders looking to decompress from one of those days you hope never happens. They had shut the bar to the general public; apart from your loved ones the only people you wanted to be with were those that were there.

Kim could feel his eyes on her most of the night but apart from a quick brush of his hand across her back when he squeezed past her to go to the bar they kept their distance.

Adam wasn't sure what woke him. He thought it was the cramped way he was folded into the couch. After this he was going to need a good massage and perhaps a touch of magic from a Chiropractor. They had talked about looking for a new apartment for him when he got a day off and Kim told him not to worry about it until things settled down and just focus on work for the next few days and that was before everything turned to shit. In all honesty now, she liked having him around. Being alone for the next few days was not what she needed.

Adam sat up and stretched his neck and he heard it again. He knew that sound because it sliced through him like razor blades and knew that's what woke him. He didn't care if she pushed him away or told him to leave, at the very least she would know that he was there. He'd sit on the floor outside her room if he had too. Pushing open the door to her bedroom she didn't move even as he lowered himself onto her bed but the instant his hand landed on her hip she rolled into him, buried her head into his chest and let out a guttural sob. One of her arms was gripping the back of his t-shirt while the other was squeezed in between them.

Using one hand to brush her hair he pressed his lips onto the top of her head. "Cry Baby."

"Why? Adam why did this happen?"

"I don't know. I don't have any answers."

"Al." she sobbed. "Did you see how broken he was?"

"I did. And I saw you, he appreciated you being there for him." Briefly when Al came into the District Adam saw him stop by Kim's desk and reach for her hand. They didn't speak but sometimes you didn't need too.

"I don't know what to do."

And here they were again, comforting each other and drawing strength from the other person when you didn't think he had anything left. He'd missed this, not the fact that Kim was so devastated and heartbroken but the fact she was in his arms again. "You are doing it. Al doesn't need someone doing anything for him, not right now but he needs to know that he has people who are willing to do anything for him."

Kim fell silent but at least the sobbing had stopped, she seemed calmer and that was a good thing. She'd thrown all this away, and for what? Some stupid irrational fear of being hurt, she got hurt anyway, and then look at Al? He was hurting but that never stopped him loving those around him. She'd been scared. It could all be traced back to one point, one nexus. Jay's kidnapping. _'Could you imagine if that was Adam?_ ' He had told her and it was the start and never stopped, not until he had made sure he had ruined it all.

Why would he say that? Of course she couldn't imagine if that was Adam. ' _Are you sure marrying a cop is a good idea?'_ No, probably not but she wasn't marrying a cop she was marrying Adam. The love of her life, the only man who could make her feel like this. The only man who would take all her fears, anxiety, heartache and hold them for her.

"Adam."

"Hmmm." He mumbled sleepily.

"I am glad you are here."

"Where else would I be?"

"I've lived a year of my life without you in it. I hate that."

"Then don't do it again." Adam pulled her a little closer and rested his cheek on her head as it tucked under his chin.

"I won't." She started by kissing his chest and worked her way up to his neck. He tilted it slightly to give her access, unable to resist the feeling of her warm moist lips and sweet breath on his neck. It sent a shiver down his spine. He had to stop her, he needed to stop her but he didn't want to.

Kim's hand went from gripping his shirt to slipping underneath it. "Kim." He moaned. "I need you to stop."

"Do you want me to?"

"God No." His body was responding to her fingers digging into his skin and her kisses and any second now his mind would switch off and he'd let his heart take over. "I've wanted this for so long." Using his weight he rolled her onto her back and covered her body with his. Fortunately the comforter was keeping them apart because if he could feel her warm body next to his, if he felt her skin he was pretty sure it was game over. He was already painfully aware of how much his body was enjoying being with her and when he pushed her down in to the mattress she could feel it too.

"But we have to stop don't we?"

"Yes, but not right now. Can I just kiss you for a little while longer?" Kim didn't answer him she just grabbed his face with both hands and slammed her lips into his. So they didn't, they spent god knows how long losing themselves in each other and surprisingly both recognised the precise moment they needed to stop. Adam shirt had long been discarded and the comforter had gradually worked its way down so that Adam could slip his hands under Kim's tank top and revel in her beautiful skin.

"This hurts so bad." He buried his head in the pillow beside Kim. "So bad."

"Adam, this isn't wrong if we both want it."

"We are pushing too hard and too fast. It's not the right time."

"I know." And she did, it wasn't the right time nor was it for the right reason. They did not need to do this just to make themselves feel better about what they had just been through. The confusion and devastation of the fire and Lexi's death was still rippling through them and without a doubt it would feel good in the moment but they didn't want to regret it in the morning.

 _ **A/N: Well…what an episode, undoubtedly the best episode this season & probably most of last season too. It was the best of all the major crossovers they've done. And look at our two little lovebirds working together. **_

_**On a completely shallow note….the break was good to #Ruzek because he seriously kicked Ass last night and didn't he look mighty fine doing it.**_


	7. Baby, It's Cold Outside

Adam had moved out. He finally found a place of his own and they both decided it was for the best. While it was pretty obvious that they had re-ignited old feelings it would be suicide to jump straight back into it.

As much as they wanted to.

Even when they were at Lexi's funeral nobody dared question why Adam was holding her hand. Kim had been devastated, she took everything to heart and having her partner, who while they had taken a while to find their groove, lose his daughter in such a horrific way had rocked her hard. Adam had never stopped caring about her, much to his detriment and he wasn't about to let her swing in the breeze at Lexi's funeral. So he had held her hand all the way through and when Atwater looked like he was about to comment Adam shot him a look and he backed away.

Adam had spent the night with her when Lexi died and they reconnected with some passionate kisses but that was it. The next morning they were honest with each other. "We need to learn how to be friends first." Adam had told her. "I think we can do that, we owe it to each other." Kim agreed with him, being friends had always been the basis of their relationship. That's were they started.

Despite that when Kim came home that first night after Adam had left the place felt soulless. She folded up the blankets and stripped off the sheets torturing herself with his smell as she did so. Almost reluctantly she threw them in the wash, it felt wrong to wash away his presence like this. Once she'd done that she poured herself a wine and took it through to her bedroom on the way to taking a bath.

Folded up on her pillow was one of Adam's plaid shirts. In the past she had driven him to distraction with her habit of wearing his shirts. He would get out of bed and never find his shirt that had been hastily discarded when they got home the previous night and would always find Burgess wearing it either in the kitchen making breakfast or sitting watching TV in the lounge.

She picked it up and held it up and buried her face in it. It smelt like him and it was comforting and made her miss him even more. It was always the little things with Adam.

 _'You forget something.'_ She fired off a quick text.

 _'No I didn't.'_ The little things melted her heart.

It wasn't easy trying to keep things professional and not want to take every single opportunity to talk to Adam. They had wasted enough time.

When he headed out with Al, Adam had cocked his head to the side when she told him to 'zip up' he shoved another fry in his mouth and grabbed his jacket and burger and waved just a little bit as he followed Al out. Kim smiled a little to herself. A few minutes later her phone beeped and she laughed when she read it. _'Baby, It's cold outside.'_

The case had them twisting and turning every which way which was frustrating. Then there was the undeniable tension in the bullpen between Lindsay and Halstead. Kim had walked smack into it and it felt like someone had left a window open and let a cold icy blast into the building. It was best just to leave that alone.

Adam was looking at her as he trudged back up the stairs after they'd bought in Crane's Wife, after they had managed to rescue him and Atwater from the basement. Erin had called her to let her know that they were safe and Kim had sighed with relief and Erin giggled a little. This was more than being relieved your work colleagues were safe. He had a twinkle in his eye and Kim tapped away on her keyboard rather than look at him. He'd obviously listened to the messages on her phone and as much as she tried to keep the panic out of her voice she knew that she had failed miserably.

The observation room was over crowded with Al and his obvious grief, Adam and his calm confidence and Kim with her bucket load of her nervous energy. She'd been cooped up in the bullpen all day while everyone had been in and out, she'd tried to keep her head when they realised that no one had heard from Ruzek and Atwater and now they were watching this delusional, slightly evil woman and still not a lot was making sense.

Al was right though, knowing why she did or if she was the leader or just a follower would not make one scrap of difference as to whether anyone would sleep better that night.

"You were worried about me when I was trapped down there, weren't you?" He was so bloody sure of himself and his little smirk was adorable and he could still read her like a book.

This staying professional at work was doing her head in. If she tried to flirt with him it would be like sending up a sky writer because she was that bad at keeping it subtle. Adam had it down pat though and it frustrated the crap out of her but that ability he had made her feel like a schoolgirl crushing on her first boyfriend was infuriatingly fantastic and she floated out of the observation room and all the way home.

That schoolgirl crush feeling had barely subsided when he called her later that night. "Yes I was worried." She admitted when he asked her again if she was worried. "Is that what you want to hear?"

"Kinda. I like that you cared. I've missed it."

"I always cared."

"Didn't feel like it some days."

"Well you were wrong."

"Hey, can I ask you something?" He waited until Kim mumbled something and finished doing whatever it was she was doing. He didn't want to ask until she was listening again. He knew this about her, he knew she'd been doing a million different things at once and give her a second and she'd be back with him. "Lindsay and Halstead. Did you get a vibe off them? Are they cool?"

"They were off today hey." Kim agreed. "I walked into the break room and it was frosty in there."

"So it wasn't just me?" Adam was sitting in his half empty apartment. He hadn't got around to unpacking his stuff yet. It was still sitting in boxes in the spare room waiting for him to find some form of motivation. He was starting to think his best option would be to invite his mother over and she would have it sorted in no time flat. Or he could ask Burgess and she'd take control being the neat freak that she was but he realised that would just be an excuse to get her over to his place. Surely that wouldn't be a bad thing though?

"Adam Ruzek are you gossiping with me?" Kim laughed into the phone.

"Maybe, just a little bit." He huffed trying to sound annoyed and failing miserably. "So?"

No it wasn't just you, although I am surprised you noticed?"

"New skills baby. I told you I learnt stuff while I was Undercover."

 _ **A/N: I've got to say...the Ruzek hug was just amazing. What a perfect moment.**_


	8. You Need to Elaborate

"What the hell is that?"

"You don't like it?" He spun around in front of her.

"No Adam, I don't like it. It's horrible."

"It's the same colour as my last jacket. The one that got ripped last week, I need to replace it."

"Not with that monstrosity though."

"It's exactly the same?"

"Adam." Kim stood in front of him and tapped her foot lightly. "It's got these god damn awful blue strips on it. You can't buy this."

"I can buy whatever I want." He snapped and instantly regretted it. While they were getting back their old friendship he was frustrated sometimes because he wanted so much more. It was slow going since he moved out and in the long run he hoped the pay off would be worth it sometimes he just wanted to throw caution to the wind, take her to bed and let everything else work itself out from there. "Sorry."

"Fine. Buy it." Kim threw her hands up in frustration. Clothes shopping with Adam had not got any easier. He had such an eclectic wardrobe. When he dressed up he was spectacular and then he would rock in to work looking like he had been dragged through a hedge backwards.

She waited outside of the store and he emerged a short time later with empty hands. "Where's your jacket?"

"You didn't like it so I didn't buy it. I couldn't stand the constant whinging." Adam reached for her hand and they headed into the next shop. It had already been three hours and the only purchase Adam had to his credit was another plaid shirt. "To replace the one I lost" he winked. Technically he hadn't lost it, although losing things was something he was good at, Kim was wearing it at home constantly after he left it for her.

Kim held up what seemed like the 400th jacket they had looked at and while Adam did like it he just about fainted at the price. "I am not paying $600 bucks for a jacket that I just know some shithead is going to bleed on." He screeched and Kim had to agree.

They grabbed a coffee and Adam continued to whine about his lack of a jacket and the fact they were now nudging four hours until Kim gave up and told him to go back and get the one that he liked. "You hate it?"

"Well yes I do but I hate your whining more."

Kim was too busy freaking out to even notice that Adam was wearing that goddamn awful jacket when he arrived at work. The bullpen was empty which was a surprise even this early. When Nicole had called her to let her know that she was coming to Chicago she had got way too excited. "Where were you?"

"Out shopping." In her excitement she let her mouth run away with her a little. "Adam needed a new jacket."

"Adam?" Nicole sounded stunned and Kim instantly regretted she had said anything. "As in the runaway, broke you heart Adam?

"You know who Adam is." She did not want to get into with her sister right now. She was more excited to spend some time with Nicole and Zoe.

"And so do you?"

"We are friends and we work together."

"I should hope that's all it is. He'll break your heart again if you let him."

It was time to change the subject. "What time do you arrive?"

Adam caught her tidying up his desk and he looked genuinely surprised when she gave him the heads up about Nicole not being his biggest fan. "What? I'm Loveable." Kim was halfway down the stairs but she heard him. The last thing she wanted to do was get into this now, they had enough drama's going on upstairs with the obvious tension between Erin and Jay. They had everyone walking on eggshells and never quite sure which way Erin was going to go.

Adam didn't speak for the first few minutes of their trip to the crime scene. "What did you mean she hates me now?"

"Well, I may have been a little verbose in my explanation of what went wrong between us?"

"A little verbose? So, another person on the list of those you talked too? Anyone else I should know about? Your niece? Hairdresser, the lady who waxes your lady garden?" Adam turned his head briefly and cocked one eyebrow.

"My lady garden?"

"I wish you'd talked to me?"

"So do I." Her list of regrets was long and this was on top of it. If she had talked to him early on about her fears then she was in no doubt the rest of her regrets could have been avoided.

"I guess you told Nicole that I didn't want to marry you?"

"Something like that."

"I also guess you neglected to tell her that it was your idea, with some outside help of course."

"Something like that." She repeated. Surprisingly these conversations were never heated. Sometimes they could hear the hurt but never anger. They were way past that, getting angry wasn't going to help put this thing back together. "If it helps. She hates Roman more."

"Why?" The question slipped out and he wasn't really sure he wanted to know.

"For one, he gave her a bad vibe and I may have also told her about his anger issues and she did also blame him for me getting shot. You at least got invited to family functions. Nicole met him once and was unimpressed."

"Just not enough to forgive me for whatever sins you convinced her I committed?" They finally arrived at the crime scene. Adam reached over and squeezed her hand. "We okay?"

"We are." She smiled. "And I still hate that jacket." Adam threw his head back and laughed.

Adam was determined to ignore Kim's comment that Nicole hated him. He did hope that she was being a little over dramatic and protective but the icy look he got and lack of response to his greeting made him nervous. However he was way to far down this path to pull out now and awkward situations, with half of the team watching left him all at sea. He wanted to show Kim and Nicole to some degree that he wasn't walking away from this again.

Kim stiffened beside him especially when she commented that she had their engagement photo on her fridge for eight months. She came to Adam's rescue by taking Nicole away for a coffee and the first chance he got she saw him disappear downstairs with Atwater. She had to talk to Nicole and she would, tonight. The break room at work was not the time or place. "You seem a little too happy around Adam?" Nicole had tried though.

"He really does like you and, whether you like it or not he is a nice guy. When I told him you were coming the first thing he wanted to do is tell you how good I am doing up here. He's proud of me making it to Intelligence."

"Well good for him." Her lip curled a little.

"Anyway, I need to get back to work. We'll talk later." Kim hugged her sister. "It's so good to see you. I can't wait to see Zoe tonight."

Kim was sitting in bed, she was glad that she told Nicole to go our alone with her friends. They were okay but a bit too snooty for her tastes. She also had this nagging feeling that with a few drinks in her Nicole would start mouthing off about Adam and she really wasn't in the mood to deal with that. She needed to have an honest conversation with her sister about what really went down. They had spent last night talking about Nicole's marriage and hadn't really got into Adam.

Zoe had long crashed out, overstuffed with pizza and Ice Cream. Kim had really enjoyed spending the evening with her niece. They didn't do it nearly as often as they should and every time she promised that they would hang out more often but it never worked out that way. Now it seemed that Zoe and her sister were hanging around for a bit. It might put the brakes on her time with Adam but he was always about family so wouldn't expect anything less of her.

Kim sent a quick message to Adam before she went to sleep. He had left her alone all evening. Lately they would often chat back and forward or go out for a drink and just hang out without any expectations. _'FYI, you were right this morning.'_

 _'About what? You need to elaborate.'_

 _'You think you are loveable.'_

 _'Yes I do, but more importantly, do you?'_

 _'Good night.'_ she replied but it was the emoji face with love hearts for eyes that made him smile.


	9. Under Attack

Adam was leaning on his car, stamping his feet to keep the blood circulating and he was grateful for the two cups of coffee he was holding because at least his hands were slightly warm. It had finally stopped snowing but it was still bitter out. He laughed and a puff of air was visible in front of him when Kim rolled her eyes at him. "I know you are regretting letting me buy this jacket."

"Is it that obvious?" She took the proffered cup of hot liquid and appreciated its warmth.

"A little, yes." Adam fell into step beside Kim who had a worried look on her face, which was subtle but definitely there. "Zoe make it to school on time?"

"Yep."

"Did you have fun last night?" Her short answers were very un-Kim like and it was starting to worry him. Despite talking to her late last night and everything seemed fine he was a little on edge that Nicole was going to pick away at her and convince her that he wasn't worth the effort. She'd been got at before, someone had picked away at her confidence and look where it got them. The jumble of nerves that he felt were a little disconcerting.

"We did."

Adam waited until they were through the gate into Intelligence before he touched her arm. "What's up Kim?"

"Nicole."

"She give you a hard time?"

"She didn't come home."

"And?"

"It's just not like her, Nicole would never just not come home."

Adam did not hesitate to go with her, he was grabbing his jacket and leading Kim down the stairs the instant Voight told her to ping her phone and go take a look when Nicole called. Kim marched back and forth impatiently while they waited for her phone to be tracked and she literally snatched the printout from the poor tech guy's hand and was heading towards the parking lot before Adam could even thank the guy.

"I'll drive." Adam jogged to catch up with her and steered her towards the passenger side.

"I can drive."

He opened the door for her and waited until she got in, a little reluctantly. "Yes I know you can but I would like us both to make it through this day."

"Funny."

"Let's go get Nicole." As soon as they pulled out of the parking lot Adam rested his hand on Kim's thigh and left it there. Watching her from the corner of his eye as she drove he knew it was pointless telling her not to worry and that he they would find her safe and well, perhaps with a hangover the size of Texas. He'd never been so glad in his life to have bitten his tongue and said nothing.

Adam held onto Kim as the paramedics got her ready for transport. He had to physically pull her away from Nicole to let them do their job "Adam. What's going on?"

"We'll find out. I've already talked to Voight, we are taking this." While they waited for the Ambo he called their boss and filled him in. He was going to stay with them until they got to Med and get some preliminary details and head back so they could make a start.

"It's my fault." She buried her head into his shoulder and he literally carried her up the stairs.

"Kim, come on. Let's not go there. You know better than that."

"Adam I should have been with her."

"But you were home with Zoe and Nicole had her friends around her. We are going to figure it out." They stood at the back of the Ambo. "Jump in." he helped her up into the back. "I'll see you at Med." Kim's eyes flashed wildly and he could sense her panic. "I'll be right behind you. I promise."

He stayed for as long as he could. Once they took Nicole through to the ward he headed back to the District. He had organised for the tox screen to be sent through as soon as they had it. His suspicions were that she had been drugged but Nicole had very little recollection of the night. Kim insisted that Nicole wouldn't have taken anything willingly and Adam had to agree, she was very conservative but she was also going through a rough divorce and heartbreak made you do stupid things. Kim should know that better than anyone. "We need to make a start. Everyone is waiting for me. Will you be okay here?" Adam was crouched down in front of Kim, she was holding her head in her hands and Adam rested his hands on hers. "You call me and I am back here in a second, okay?"

Voight had been watching them all day. "Ruzek, with me?" Voight barked as he went to get into the car with Atwater. He wasn't surprised.

He even knew that Adam had slipped into the change room when he found out that Kim was going Undercover with Erin. He didn't want her to do it but knew that she would and he wasn't about to try and talk her out of it just as Kim could never have tried to talk him out of taking on a job.

Adam had learnt his lesson when he tried to stop Kim going under when Jay was kidnapped. He had told her once that case was over that he had refused to let Voight send her in and Kim had reamed him out about it. He did trust her, he did believe in her as a cop but he was still trying to control his fears back then and now this was one way of showing her that he had.

"You're here to tell me that I don't need to do this aren't you? You don't want me to do this?" Kim didn't even need to look to she who had come in, she could feel him, and she'd felt him all day. He was always just there, just on her periphery to bring her back from the edge.

"No, but I am going to tell you that I've got your back. Okay?"

"Okay." She nodded.

"And remind you that you have Nicole and Zoe relying on you to come home." He took a small step towards her. "And me."

"Adam."

"Kim, I know you have to do this, this is your job and my job tonight is to keep you safe." Kim nodded and Adam pressed a sweet kiss to her forehead and left her to get ready.

"It's hard when you can't stop caring." Voight stared straight ahead as they drove from the Bar and followed the car with the girls in to the 'party'.

"It is." He thought about lying, trying to bluster his way through it and claim he'd be this anxious about anyone in Intelligence doing this but Voight was not a man to try and bullshit. Adam had confessed to him that he'd left Intelligence because of Kim and assured him that he had his head on straight before he came back up. He had to a point to prove tonight as much as Kim did.

"You are in this car because I trust you to do your job and I know you'll want out of here the moment we get the safe word. I am here to make sure it's not before."

"Got it." He was doing well until Kim did that damn shot then he was glad he was sitting next to Voight and his boss knew it. Voight held him steady but as soon as Burgess gave them the word he was out of there like a shot and was first through the door. He glanced at Erin quickly and knew that she would be fine, she wasn't the one locked in a room with a rapist and high on god knows what.

Once they had pulled Kim off the scumbag Adam stared at him for just a moment. "Ruzek." Voight barked.

"Right." He snapped out of it and reached for his cuffs and took a step towards the battered piece of shit. Voight put his hand on Ruzek's arm.

"Ruzek. Go with Kim."

"You sure."

"Go." He nodded his head towards the door and Ruzek was off like a shot. Erin was just about to climb into the back of the Ambo when he bolted across the street and she jumped back out silently as Ruzek climbed in.

"What were you thinking?" He grabbed her hand.

"I can't think…." Her words were starting to slur.

The paramedic assured Adam that it was fine to let her sleep. They had her monitored, on oxygen and fortunately lying on her side when she started to vomit. Lucky for Kim it was a short acting drug and as long as Kim was safe in the hospital she should not have any long lasting effects. They were going to keep her overnight regardless.

Adam organised for Platt to take care of Zoe, he thought it was best if she took her back to Kim's place, as that was the only home she had at the moment. She had been ripped out of her actual home, with her parents divorce which seemed nastier than it initially seemed and now her mother and her aunt were in hospital so giving Zoe the normalcy of Kim's place was deemed best.

For him, it meant another night sleeping in a chair beside her hospital bed.

"Adam." Her voice sounded thick and groggy when she eventually woke and he flew out of the chair and was there at her side in an instant. "Where am I?"

"Chicago Med." He had finally fallen asleep after answering message after message. Erin stopped by to sit with them for a while but they didn't talk much. He had no idea what his relationship with Kim was right now so even when Erin asked he couldn't explain it. He just shrugged. "I've always cared."

"It's hurts." Kim's body ached and Adam, having witnessed her brutal and very impressive beat down of the suspect was not in the least bit surprised.

"Well, you went postal on the guy who raped Nicole. Like seriously postal."

"We got him?"

"You did." He ran his thumb back and forth over her forehead. "You also were drugged."

"Did I, did he?"

Adam knew exactly what she was asking. "No, you were good Babe but promise me you will never do that to me again? Never?"

"I feel like shit."

"Good." Adam laughed as she tried to roll her eyes and told her that feeling this shit after doing drugs was a good thing. "No chance of you going on a bender then."

"Nicole?"

"She's sleeping. She's doing well. We haven't told her anything yet. I thought you'd want to do it."

"I want to sleep."

Adam kissed her softly. "Then sleep."

"You?"

"I'll be right here."

Adam went home to shower the next morning while Kim sat with Nicole. She wanted to tell her and spend some time alone with her and didn't need him hanging around. He promised to come back and pick her up when she was ready to come home, Nicole had a few more days of recovery before they were letting her go. Platt bought Zoe in to see her Mom also.

"Can we stop by the District? Voight wants to see me." She held up her phone. "I don't think he's happy."

"Trust me. He's happy that we got these guys. He's probably not happy about the drug thing though."

"I've been thinking." She started carefully well aware that things were different between them now but Adam had been upset with her when she initially turned down Voight's offer for intelligence after she was shot because she didn't talk to him about it first. He thought that he deserved to have that conversation with her, especially when she spat at him in the heat of the moment that he didn't want her up there anywhere. It had been unfair because Adam never tried to dent her ambition. Now they weren't together or had any real clarity about what they were doing but they knew they were happy. "I am going to ask Voight for some time off. I've got some leave due and comp days owing. I think I need to look after Nicole for a bit."

"I think it's a good idea."

"You do?"

"Of course. Kim this has been rough on you. Nicole and Zoe need you." Again that hand on her thigh was strong and steadying. Even yesterday the brief touch of his hand on her leg when she was getting worked up over Valdez's unappreciated comment about Nicole taking drugs was enough just to calm her down. It was a small thing, unnoticeable to just about everyone but it meant the world to her.

"Will I still see you?"

"You can't get rid of me that easily." He laced his fingers through hers and bought it over so it now resting on his leg. "You've tried that once. It didn't work."

 _ **A/N: I thought about waiting until they released the deleted scene but I am not holding my breath...#Burzek just doesn't seem to get the same kind of love from PD. It's going to be a long last four episodes & long hiatus until we get any sort of clarity about these two...and quite frankly that sucks. Until then...enjoy**_


	10. Family

Ruzek stared at the beer in front of him. The glass was half empty and even that had been a struggle. No one was really in the mood for this so even when Halstead suggested hitting up Molly's the reaction had been lukewarm at best. Atwater downed his and asked who was ready for another round. Ruzek shook his head just as he phone buzzed in his pocket.

 _'How was your day?'_

 _'Crappy.'_

When it rang he jumped down from his stool and took it outside. "Hey, how was your day?"

"Better than yours." The sound of his voice was a dead give way.

"We closed a really crappy case. Shit's hit the fan."

"Are you okay?"

"I am better now for talking to you." He leant against the wall, trying to get out of the wind. He'd come out without his jacket and the temperature had obviously dropped in the hour since they'd been here. "Tell me about your day?"

"How about you come over and we can both tell each other about our day? I am at home alone."

"Where is everyone?"

"Zoe was desperate to go to a slumber party at Katya's house and Nicole is visiting a friend in Richmond, so I drove her up there and they are bringing her home in the morning. I thought it would be good for her."

"And she was okay leaving Zoe?" Adam knew that Nicole was struggling to give Zoe any freedom but Kim was working hard to help her overcome those fears.

"She's called me twice already." Kim laughed. He was starting to hear it a little more often lately and that made him happy. This hadn't been easy for Kim and some days she felt a little battered and bruised as she absorbed some of Nicole's wild emotions. "So?"

"Do you want me to pick anything up?"

"No. Just you will do."

Slipping his phone back in his pocket he ducked back inside and found another beer sitting on the table waiting for him. "I'm going to take off." He reached for his jacket.

"How's Burgess?" Atwater asked. They didn't talk much about what was going on with them but Kevin always asked how Kim was doing and Adam always had an answer. Initially he barely even acknowledged Kevin's questions but once Kev pointed out that he knew he was seeing Kim quite regularly because she told him he gave up trying to hide it anymore, although he was pretty adamant that they were just friends. And that wasn't a lie, nothing like that was going on at all, it was all very innocent but it had been good for them because they talked a lot.

Kim didn't need the pressure of figuring out what was going on with her relationship, she had to focus on Nicole that was why she had taken this time off but now things were starting to even out a little more perhaps it was time to look into their futures a bit more and decide whether it was together or apart.

"She's good."

He did stop on the way though and picked up some of her favourite ice cream which lit up Kim's face when he handed it over. "How did you know?"

He leant in close and whispered. "Because I know you." And then pressed a sweet little kiss on her cheek.

Kim grabbed two spoons and they curled up together on the couch and dived in. "So what's happening?"

"We've watched two paedophiles get burnt alive on the web and we were too late to save a ten year old boy."

"Sounds awful. Are you okay?"

"Hmmmm." He nodded. "Yeah."

"It's over though right, you got the guy?"

"Sure, it was twisted. The guy that killed the other two paedophiles was one himself and he took that kid that we didn't find in time. It was fucked." Adam didn't even bother to try and soften the story as he laid it out in front of Kim. He wasn't sure how much he could or should tell her but figured that she was part of Intelligence technically so nothing was really off limits as far as cases were concerned. It helped her feel connected and relevant still and kept her in the loop and it was good for him. He needed to debrief. "Seeing Halstead with that kid, I couldn't.." He shook his head, trying to displace the image. "I had to walk away."

"Oh Baby." That had happened recently, Kim had started calling him Baby again. While it felt nice and he missed it, it also confused the hell out of him. They were in this weird place. Placing a hand on his cheek she rubbed her thumb back and forth. "Tell me how to help you."

Adam cocked his head to the side and closed his eyes. "You are already." And that's all he said. He opened his eyes again and reached for another spoonful of ice cream.

Kim leant against him; they were enjoying this more and more often, just spending time together and being close to each other. Nicole was starting to get used to having Adam around and had finally realised that while they had obviously had some issues it wasn't because they didn't love each other. She also understood now that it wasn't all Adam's fault although she had been happy to blame him in the beginning. The reality was that sadly there were more than two people in that relationship and her sister picked the wrong side. "Everyone's okay?"

"No, not really. Erin did what Erin does and lost the plot. She's up in front of the review board tomorrow." He sounded annoyed. Kim was the only one that Adam ever talked to about Erin. She never judged him for it and it stayed between them. When he was bumped back to patrol he accepted his punishment but didn't like how other's seemed to always skate. It didn't stop him having her back though, they were all part of the team and that was family and in every family there was always a favourite that could do no wrong.

"God, Adam. What happened?"

"She pistol whipped the suspect in the interrogation room. The new commander showed up wanting to know where the suspect was and something was off with him. I tried to stall him but he barrelled past me and they caught Lindsay re-holstering her weapon and the perp was bleeding. It doesn't look good for her."

"Why did she take her weapon in?"

"No idea."

"Jay didn't stop her?"

"Jay's not her partner at the moment. She was with Hailey today." Adam had told Kim that Voight had offered her spot temporarily to Upton. She had panicked a little. When Ruzek had split he bought in Rixton and then bumped Adam when he got back and she worried that the same was going to happen to her. Adam told her not to worry, he had spoken to Voight with some trepidation. "Kim's replacement?" He had stopped when he heard him talking to Al. "I thought Kim would be coming back upstairs?"

"She is, Upton is temporary. How is Burgess doing anyway?" Voight didn't seem as pissed off as Adam thought he was going to be with him for asking.

"She's doing okay, Nicole is getting back on her feet. She misses work though."

"Her spot is waiting for her. You tell her when she is ready to let me know."

"Will do boss." As he walked away both Voight and Al looked at him and then at each other and just shrugged. They were just two more people who were confused about what was going on.

"Voight split them up. Erin was all pissy with him again for some reason." He shrugged. "Been like that for a while now. Whatever shit has gone on between them is pretty big. I mean Halstead's birthday she showed up, gave him a bottle of blue label Jonnie and then left. Halstead followed her for a bit but came back and just blew it off as Erin doing her usual woe is me routine. I know he's been spending some time with Natalie from Med, it's all a bit messy."

"Really?" Kim really did hate being out the loop. Adam didn't have nearly enough details to satisfy her and she hadn't talked to Lindsay for a few weeks so had no idea what was going on with there.

"Anyway, this is nice." He grabbed the empty ice cream container from Kim's hands and put it on the table and shifted so that Kim could lie on down between his legs and rest against his chest and she knew they were done talking about work. He grabbed the remote and they watched another few episodes of Game of Thrones. It was their favourite and they decided they needed to binge watch it from the start before the new series came back on.

Adam shook her lightly when she fell asleep and he groaned as she used all her weight to push herself up into a sitting position. "Can you stay?"

"What do you want me to say?"

"I want you to say yes."

"Okay." He hugged her tightly against his chest and Kim could feel his heart beating wildly. "Where should I sleep?"

"Can you stay with me?"

"Kim." He sounded so desperate. "We've got a long way to go."

"I know, but we've shared a bed before and that was nice." Kim wiggled around and looked up at him. "I want to be there for you. I can tell you are upset about this case."

"Let's go to bed then." Adam pushed himself up off the couch. And they slept with Kim curled into his side.

He felt Kim get up and rolled over into her space to enjoy her warmth and smell. God how he missed this, he missed her like crazy and this was doing his head in but if he had to take it slow he would as long as he was still here.

The noise downstairs finally woke him and he ferreted around for his clothes and headed down. "Adam." Zoe squealed and ran and jumped into his arms, almost knocking him over.

"Hey Zo, how was your sleepover?"

"It was fun, how was yours?" she asked cheekily. She was just as desperate for them to get back together as he was.

"Awesome." He winked at Kim. He eventually put Zoe back down and made his way over to Kim who was busy making him a coffee and he kissed her cheek softly. "Good Morning." he whispered.

"I thought we'd go out for breakfast."

"Pancakes?" Adam looked at Zoe and crossed his fingers.

"Yes." They both whooped for joy and Adam leant over the bench and gave Zoe a high five. Adam was doing his best to show Zoe that not all men were assholes. He didn't really have to try because everyone knew that Adam was about as far from an asshole as you could get. The last few weeks they had spent a lot of time together playing board games and computer games and he always came over with her favourite cookies. In short, Kim never got near him when Zoe was around which was precisely why she had loved every minute of last night.

Even when he pulled away after giving her a long and passionate kiss when they first got into bed.

When he had told Kim that there were still a lot of good men in the world and rubbed her back as they dropped off Zoe at school she knew precisely who they were. When she got back in the car she leant over and kissed him lightly on the lips. "You Adam Ruzek are a good man."

He grabbed Kim's hand as Zoe skipped ahead of them across the parking lot. "Thank you for last night."

"It was perfect, hey?"

"Not perfect but close enough for now." He felt Kim slip a little on the ice and reached out and grabbed her to stop her falling and he held onto her for just a moment. "I still love you." His eyes were boring into her. "I never stopped." For a year he'd held onto those words, painfully refusing to let them go.

 **A/N** ** _: Such a pity they haven't found 10 seconds in the past few episodes for a quick check in on how Burgess is doing. I do have it in my mind that Adam is helping her out and they are happily spending time together and that every time #RuzWater are in the car together Kev asks him for an update...let's hope season 5 is kinder to the rest of the cast._**


	11. A Night Out

He was only half listening the conversation swilling around him; as much as he tried he just couldn't focus. The nerves were surprising and he had no idea why suddenly he should be nervous about this. It wasn't like he hadn't seen her very recently; they'd taken Zoe out for breakfast two days ago and he met Kim for a coffee yesterday after she dropped Zoe off a school. They had just sat down when his phone rang and he had to go.

The only thing he had time to tell her was that Erin's badge had been pulled. Nobody had much of an idea what was going on and they were just expected to get on with it. Voight will clue them in when he felt they needed to know. That was what was frustrating about this Unit sometimes, while they were closed shop as far as the rest of CPD were concerned and they kept things in house it also meant that Voight kept things from them at times and Erin being suspended was one of them.

When it turned out that the case they had involved Erin and her mother it got even grimmer for her.

Still a day later nobody had any idea what was going on. Halstead had suggested drinks at Molly's and asked him to invite Kim, which he did so happily. Adam felt it was about time that Kim started to move away from always being home when Nicole was. Kim was starting to talk about coming back to work and that would mean sometimes 18-hour work days but also days when you didn't see your own bed. This would be the first time that Kim had been out at night while Nicole was home and he had pushed her a little more each day. Every other time Adam had convinced her to come out for dinner it was when either Nicole was out or she had friends over herself.

He really enjoyed those nights, it felt like old times when they would just wander around and pick a place to eat completely ad hoc. The first few times Kim would have her phone on the table the whole time and as soon Nicole called they'd leave. Gradually Nicole started to loosen her grip. She recognised that Adam wasn't going away and Kim was happy that he was around and at the end of the day her sister's happiness was all that mattered.

"You still love him?" Nicole was watching Kim cooking dinner one night. Kim had just hung up from talking to Adam and had a goofy look on her face and she was swinging her hips a little to the music that they had playing throughout the house. Nicole couldn't stand silence, it made her think and he needed to stop her mind from thinking and remembering. She couldn't thank Kim enough for putting her life on hold for her but it was time that she started getting back to living again and Nicole was pretty sure that needed to include Adam.

"Who? Adam?"

"No, San Diego?" Nicole laughed and rolled her eyes.

"Not funny." Kim picked up a cloth and tossed it at her sister. It was nice to hear her laugh again. "I don't think I ever stopped."

"He obviously loves you. I like that he makes you happy. I know I kind of hated him for a while, but he's a good guy." She threw the cloth back to her sister. "And you never quite gave me the whole story did you?"

Kim sipped her wine. "He always was. Even when I treated him like shit, he always had my back."

"Then you should make sure he doesn't get away again." Nicole jumped down from her stool and came around and hugged her sister. "I don't want you to miss out on the chance to put your relationship with Adam back together. Go out and start making your moves honey. Go get your man."

He kept one eye on the door but he didn't really need to, he felt it when she came in. Adam was the last person she greeted though although she smiled at him as she approached the group. Kev was up out of his seat and had her in a bear hug before she could get a word out. Will wasn't quite as enthusiastic and Kim introduced herself to Upton. Lastly she slipped her arm around Adam's waist and kissed his cheek briefly. Atwater just grinned, he liked the look of those two lovebirds together again even if they both insisted nothing was going on, even friendship looked good on them and the rest would happen in time, it had too. Adam offered to get her a drink as she slid into his vacant seat.

As he bought her drink back he wasn't quite sure what he was supposed to do now. This was a little awkward for some reason, it was the first time since they had really started thinking that they had a serious chance of putting this back together that they had been out with the rest of the team. It was actually the first time Kim had been back with them all since her sister's attack.

"Are you avoiding me?" Kim finally worked her way to the bar to buy a round. Adam was talking to Otis and she touched him on the back gently when Otis moved away to serve a patron.

"No. Its just…" he shrugged. "I don't really know what to do or what you want."

"I want you not to look terrified to be anywhere near me."

"Okay." The fact that she could still read his facial expressions was a little disconcerting because at some point she was bound to see a look on his face that told her that he needed her. "I'm not terrified of being near you, I am terrified of not being able to stay away."

"What if I don't want you to stay away?"

"Not helping." She ran her fingers over his knuckles as his hand rested on the bar.

"It's weird enough being here, I don't need you to make it worse."

"Fair enough." He turned to face her slightly. "You look happy."

"Hmmm, I am with you, why wouldn't I be happy?"

Adam rubbed her back lightly. "I am so glad you are here."

Kim smiled a little shyly. "So, what's going on? Jay seems a little tense?"

"Don't know. I think he's waiting for Lindsay." Adam shrugged and picked up the tray of drinks that Otis had set in front of him. He waited while Kim paid.

"Is she coming?"

"Don't know, I texted her and never heard back. We haven't heard from her all day."

"What's going on?"

"Not here. We will talk later." They made their way back to the group and Adam happily sat next to Kim and he loved that she seemed so happy to be there and that every now and again she would lean into him and laugh or touch his leg under the table. It was becoming increasingly obvious to them and everyone else that they couldn't stay away from each other for much longer.

When everyone decided to move on and grab something from dinner Adam stole a quick glance at Kim. He wasn't sure if she would come and the last thing he wanted to do was waste what precious time he had left with her tonight sharing her with this mob. Right now he was in no mood to share.

Kim was more than happy to stay and join them for dinner. She was really enjoying being out with her friends and realised how much she had missed this. Kim offered to drive them but Atwater was smart enough to take up Hailey's offer of a lift. The more time those two spent together the better. As soon as they got into her car Adam reached for her hand, tugging her towards him gently and kissing her softly. "Time for a proper hello."

She held onto his cheek for a moment as she happily guided him in for another kiss. "Hi." Running her the palm of her hand over his cheek and around his chin Kim smiled. "I like this." She always loved him with a bit of stubble, she loved the way it tickled her skin and she closed her eyes for just a moment as she remembered the feeling of it on her stomach or chest or thighs.

"I know you do." He captured her lips in a slightly more urgent kiss. He pulled away. "We should go, people will start to talk."

"Are you going to tell me about what's going on now?"

"Darlin'. I don't know." Kim shot him a stunned look. It was the first time he'd called her that and he was staring straight ahead, whether he realised what he'd done or not she couldn't tell. It certainly made her heart beat a little faster.

"Where's Erin?"

"Kim, I have no idea. Jay was waiting for her obviously. She didn't return any calls all day; Bunny was handed over to the FBI. Upton fronted the board and then suddenly our interviews were cancelled. We've just walked away from a murder, Voight is holed up god knows where. I seriously have no idea what's going on."

Kim rested a hand on his thigh and he covered it with his. "Are you worried?"

"A little, you know Intelligence sometimes is a day to day proposition."

"Don't burn it down, I'd like to come back to a job."

"I will do my best." He exhaled slowly. "God, I so don't want to go out for dinner."

"Why not?"

He turned her hand over and traced a circle on her palm but said nothing.

She contemplated telling him right there and then but decided against it, it could wait an hour or two and despite neither of them really wanting to be there they had a good time. They laughed a lot and Kim noticed that Adam wasn't really drinking and that surprised her. "Are you okay?" she rubbed his leg under the table.

"Yep."

"Adam, just relax."

"I can't." She saw that look, the look of desperation in his eyes and it wasn't a bad thing, and it was a desperate longing. It was fleeting but it was there.

Kim pulled up outside his place. Adam hadn't really spoken since they left the restaurant. He was enjoying just listening to Kim as she talked about the night. Even though he'd been there Kim told him every single thing that had happened, her opinion on Upton and what she thought was going on with Erin. It wasn't unusual, they had often done that it was just that he hadn't heard it for such a long time so he was content just to sit back and let it wash over him. The night out had done her the world of good, she looked like she enjoyed herself and he loved to see her smile and laugh.

Adam jumped out quickly and Kim was a little stunned until walked around to her side of the car and opened her door, took the keys out of the Ignition with saying a word and as he held out his hand Kim breathed out slowly to try and stop her nerves taking control as his strong fingers curled around hers.


	12. Flamethrower

"How's Burgess? She ready to come back?" Atwater slid a beer in front of his buddy. Molly's had a slight buzz about it, a low hum that was familiar and comforting. At lot had changed around them all lately but this place remained the same.

"Ask her yourself." Ruzek nodded towards the door as Kim weaved her way through the crowd. He took a long pull on his beer and it felt like heaven as it slid down his throat. Today had been torture, pure and simple. He'd been in shitty situations, filthy rat infested drug dens that smelt like piss and shit but today he actually would have preferred that.

He was worried that he'd stuffed things up and replayed it all in his head a hundred times.

Atwater swung around and his face lit up like Christmas. "Burgess." He held out his arms and Kim was happy to feel them wrap around her and almost squeeze the life out of her. It didn't help that he was a little buzzed and when he was sometimes he forgot this own strength. "My favourite partner ever." Kev drawled.

"Hey. Do you mind?" Adam tried to sound hurt. "My feelings man. I've had a rough day."

"Ha, she's prettier to look at all day than you."

"True that." Adam muttered as a smile played at the corners of his mouth.

"Kev." Kim leant back and looked up at her friend. "Are you a little drunk?"

Kev frowned and then pinched two fingers together. "Perhaps a little bit. I was left to my own devices too long. I thought I was stood up."

"By who?"

"That Lug." He pointed his beer in Adam's direction. "He was on some date apparently." Kevin raised both eyebrows, hoping for some kind of answer or acknowledgement that they'd been together.

"So I heard. I also heard it didn't go as planned. Is he still whining?"

"You'd be whining too. I can tell you Kev, it was the worst and I mean the worst." Adam shuddered dramatically. "Can we not talk about it?"

"Man you are such a grumpy old man some days. O has rubbed off on you."

"And I want to drink to forget." He held up his empty bottle. "My buy." Jumping up from his stool he rested one hand lightly on Kim's back as he asked her what she wanted. His hand twitched a little, he couldn't help it nor did he want to stop it because he loved the bolt of electricity that shot up his arm.

"How's Zo?" Adam handed her the wine that she ordered and slid into the stool beside her. He was glad she was here; it was really the only reason he came. If Kim had called him to say she was staying home he would have blown Kev off. Not that he didn't want to have a drink with Kev but after today the one person he needed to see was now sitting right beside him.

"Better. Still a little mortified and she has decided that life is not fair."

"Ha, she's right."

Kim rubbed his thigh lightly under the table. "You did good. You know that right."

"I never want to talk about it again. Okay?"

The day had started out great but he should have known, his training should have prepared him for the fact the things can turn to shit in the blink of an eye.

"Adam." Zoe squealed. "Hurry Up, we are going to miss it."

"Zo Zo, we've got heaps of time." He looked at his watch and grimaced. "Or not."

"I told you we were going to be late." She tugged on his hand and dragged him along until they started running through the parking lot towards the cinema. They were going to see a Despicable Me 3, Zoe liked to think of it as a date and Adam was happy to run with it.

"You were the one who needed a last minute change." Adam had rolled his eyes when Zoe decided at the last minute that she couldn't wear her blue shirt because Adam was in blue and it looked 'creepy' if they were dressed the same. Nicole had just laughed and thanked Adam again for taking her out for the day. They were trying to rebuild Zoe's trust in men and show her that there were good men in the world and as Kim had told her, Adam was one of the good ones. It also gave Nicole and Kim the opportunity to look at a few places that Nicole was hoping to rent closer to Kim before they were meeting up with her ex and the lawyers for some mediation. This was the first time Zoe had been out alone with Adam, so it was a big deal for Zoe and she was beyond excited. For Nicole it was also a huge step, letting Zoe have any kind of freedom was hard but Zoe loved Adam and he had done nothing to make Nicole feel wary, it was time to loosen her grip a little. It was kind of a big deal for Kim too.

"And you drove like an old woman."

"I did not." He nudged her playfully.

They loaded up on popcorn, sodas and candy and their butts hit the seat just as the opening credits started. "See perfect timing." Adam whispered in her ear and he didn't see the exaggerated eye roll in the dark cinema, nor did he see the little blush. Zoe had a bit of a crush on him. Kim and Nicole had teased him about it because he was completely oblivious to it.

"I like girls' crushing on me. It's good for my ego." He shot back at them.

"Guess that explains the ego the size of Texas right now." Kim patted his cheek lightly and grinned. Nicole smiled; she loved seeing how happy her sister was right now. They had some dark times, some really heavy moments when Nicole struggled to see beyond her next breath but Adam had bought a lot of light into the house. He made Kim happy and he had Zoe at his beck and call and hanging off his every word. Their dance challenges on the PlayStation Adam had set up was a sight to behold.

Adam let his mind drift a little. They had ordered lunch and Zoe had then disappeared to the bathroom. They'd had fun so far, the movie wasn't the greatest but he'd enjoyed spending time with Zoe. She was a tough kid, she'd had to be going through a liver transplant, which she was reminded of everyday with the big scar and truckload of medications she took but she handled it like a trooper and was almost proud of her scar. And now she was lumbered with her parents nasty divorce and her mother's horrendous attack and still she kept on shining.

Finally he felt like he was getting his life back on track. He'd had dreams, being a Dad was one of them but for a while he couldn't see how that was ever going to happen now. At this precise point in time he couldn't put his hand on his heart and say it was all sorted and he was completely happy but he was closer than he had been in a long, long time.

The food appeared and Zoe still wasn't back. How long did girls take in the bathroom? The diner was pretty busy so he assumed it might take a little longer but not this long. He had no idea how to handle it, he'd never thought about things like this, obviously if she was a boy he could just go check it out but he could hardly go barrelling into the ladies room calling out for her. He was just about to call over the waitress and ask her to go check if she was okay when he saw her coming back and noticed that all the bounce had gone out of her step.

A ripple of panic trickled through him when she asked if they could go. "What happened Zo? Are you okay?"

"I feel sick."

"Have you been sick?" He felt her forehead, he had no idea why but he'd seen Nicole do it when Zoe had told her that she didn't feel well. He assumed he was feeling for a fever but she felt fine.

"No." She burst into tears and that ripple of panic Adam felt turned into a torrent. "I'm bleeding." She stuttered.

"What? Where? Did someone hurt you?" His eyes darted around the diner and he could suddenly feel his pulse pounding in his ears. He leapt up and tried to check Zoe over and he couldn't see any injuries. She baulked a little when he reached out to grab her hands when he noticed her starting to shake. It was as much to steady his nerves as it was to help Zoe.

"No, Adam. Can we go, please?" she begged.

"Zo…"

"I want my Mom." She buried her head in her hands. "Please."

"Okay. Okay." He threw some bills on the table to cover the tab and followed Zoe as she bolted out to the car. "Zoe, you are freaking me out a little."

"It's like down there." Adam was momentarily confused and then it suddenly clicked. _Fuck._

"Oh." The look of absolute horror on Zoe's face freaked Adam out and he closed his eyes and tried to breathe. Zoe wanted her Mom but not as much as he did right now; he wanted Nicole, Kim or anyone really. He was so far out of his comfort zone it wasn't funny.

He tried calling Kim but her phone was off and didn't want to leave a message that would panic them, they had enough on their plate today as it was. "Okay, it's you and me."

"Adam. I don't know what to do."

"You talked to your Mom about this right? Or had some classes at school?"

"Sure."

"What did she say?"

"I don't remember." She did remember because it sounded horrible but the thought of talking to Adam about it was a bridge too far. She didn't even like talking to her Mom about it and would do anything to avoid it. This was mortifying and embarrassing and Adam was never going to want to look at her again. Why now? Why today?

"We need to get you some things. We'll stop at a pharmacy, maybe they can help?"

"No, can we just go home?"

"We can, but we need to stop first. You can stay in the car if you like." He couldn't imagine how distressing this must be for Zoe and he suddenly decided that if he were ever lucky enough to have children boys would suit him just fine. He squeezed her hand lightly and promised to be quick as he jumped out of his truck.

Now he found himself in front of a row of every goddamn sanitary item known to man and there were rows and rows of them. He had paid zero attention to it in the past. Kim had sent him shopping on a few occasions but had always sent him a photo of what to get and he'd grab it and go and not even look back. Some things he was happy to remain oblivious too. He wracked his brain and reached for his phone.

"What is it Ruzek?" Platt barked at him.

"Ah, Trudy I need help." She was the only female he could think of that could help him right now and he also knew that Zoe was comfortable with Trudy after she stayed with her when Nicole was first in hospital and Kim had taken the drugs at the undercover sting.

"What did you do?"

"I didn't do anything." Adam suddenly felt a little defensive. "Anyway, I am in a pharmacy."

"If you are going to ask me whether you need small, medium or large I don't think you'll like my answer."

"Hilarious." It was hardly the time for jokes. "No, what do I get for a twelve year old who just got her first period?"

"Ruzek, what?"

He exhaled slowly. "I am with Zoe, Nicole and Kim are at the lawyers doing mediation and ah Zoe has just started…" he let his voice tail off. He had a lot of words and comments about it all when he talked to Kim about it usually when he was complaining that it was getting in the way of him 'feeling the love', none of them seemed appropriate right now. Kim would constantly roll her eyes at him when he did everything possible to avoid using the actual words. For some stupid reason he hated actually saying the word period, it made his skin crawl. This, right now was his worst nightmare. Platt was going to get off on this, she'd be dining out on it for years, he had a distraught teenager in his car and he actually felt like he was going to vomit.

"Oh, okay. Poor girl."

"Poor girl? What about me? I am freaking out?"

"Suck it up princess." She told him exactly what he needed to get and he felt he was spending far too much time peering at every single packet and starting to get funny looks from other shoppers so she grabbed pretty much one of everything and hightailed it out of there, not before grabbing a handful of chocolate bars at the checkout on the way through.

Trudy was waiting for them when they got home and it mortified Zoe even more. It was bad enough that Adam knew about it, now Trudy did too. Everyone was going to know and despite her mother telling her that every single woman in the world dealt with this it did not make her feel any better. "You told her?" she shrieked at Adam when they pulled up.

"I had to Zo, I have no idea what to do. I tried to call Kim. You like Trudy and you know, she knows about this stuff." Trudy helped her out of his truck and took her straight inside and upstairs. Platt may have been a hard assed bitch to him most of the time but deep down she had a heart of gold and in lieu of anyone else being available she was the perfect person to help Zoe right now.

By the time Kim got home things were about as normal as they could be.

They'd feasted. The remnants of bowls of ice cream, candy and a 'wicked hot chocolate' lay scattered around them on the table and Adam was painfully enduring Pitch Perfect. Adam had declared, once Trudy had left that this called for an "afternoon on the couch, watching a crappy movie and eating shit food."

"Can we watch anything?"

"Absolutely. It's your choice Zo Zo." He did talk her out of High School Musical but failed in his attempts to circumnavigate Pitch Perfect. Despite Zoe jumping up and going to the bathroom, which Adam knew was completely unnecessary every half hour she eventually fell asleep with her feet in Adam's lap. He'd only once mentioned that she didn't need to worry so much and the look Zoe gave him made his toes curl slightly.

He rolled his head back to look at Kim when she came in. "Hey." He moved Zoe's feet carefully and grabbed Kim's arm and literally dragged her into the kitchen and when Kim moved in for a kiss he pecked her quickly on the lips, which made her even more suspicious. He was acting weird.

"What's up?

"Where's Nicole?"

"Gone shopping for some stuff for dinner. She's having a few friends over tonight."

"Oh okay." He was hopping from foot to foot. "Kim, we had a bit of an incident."

"Adam…." This wasn't supposed to happen. Nicole would never trust him again if Zoe were hurt or frightened. "What did you do?"

"Why does everyone automatically think I did something?" He grumbled, shooting Kim a withering look. "Take a look at the table." He waved his hands wildly at the lounge room. "Ice-cream, a shit ton of chocolate and a very crappy movie."

"So?"

"Kim. I seem to recall you do that when you get your, you know… period." He almost choked on the word.

Kim pressed her hands to her cheeks. "Nooooo."

"Oh yes." He nodded. "Yes Indeed."

"How horrible for Zoe. She must be devastated."

"Why is everyone worried about Zoe and not me?" Adam whined.

"You're a big boy." Kim ran her hand up his arm. "What did you do?"

"Freaked out obviously. I tried to call you but your phone was off so I called Trudy. She came over and sorted it out." Adam was still waving his arms around. "And I may have bought the entire store out of things."

"That I can imagine." Kim stood on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his. It was soft and sweet and seemed to calm him down a little. "I'm going to check on Zoe."

"I'm going take off." Adam grabbed his wallet and keys off the bench. "I need to go do something manly."

"Manly?" Kim was highly amused. He leant in for another kiss and scoffed as she kept laughing at him.

"You coming to Molly's later? Atwater has been at me all day." Kim nodded and gave him a quick hug. Before he left he squatted down beside Zoe and woke her up when he kissed her temple.

"Hey Zo, Kim's here. I am going to take off. You are a star; you are my star. Thanks for the date." He could see the tears starting to form in her eyes and hightailed it out of there before anyone had the chance to blink.

Kim dropped down on the couch and rubbed Zoe's leg. It was not like she had given any thought to how she would deal with this either. The thought had never crossed her mind, this was Nicole's issue and they never really even talked about their own periods, it was just something you got on with. Kim tried to remember back to when she first started and it was much later than twelve that's for sure. "How are you?"

"Okay. Where's Mom?"

"Just at the store, she'll be home soon."

"Adam won't want to talk to me now." Zoe buried her head in the cushion.

"Of course he will. He still talks to your mom and me and we go through this too. Believe me he's okay with this. Its just life." Kim pulled her into her arms and they sat and cuddled on the couch until Nicole got home and let her mother take over. Zoe had burst into tears when she saw her Mom causing her to panic until Kim pulled her aside and told her what had gone on.

Nicole came and sat on the edge of Kim's bed and watched her as she got dressed to go out. Kim had offered to stay but Nicole was adamant that she head out and enjoy herself. "Zoe said Adam was really good."

Km peered in the mirror and put on her earrings and stood back, looked at them and changed her mind. She rifled through her earring box until she found another pair. "I think he's got at little PTSD."

"Can you thank him for me?"

"And pay him back for the hundred of dollars of stuff he bought?"

"How cute would he have been doing that?" The more time she spent around Adam the more she liked him. She actually couldn't figure out why her sister ever thought it was a good idea to pass him up. If she was single, not recently abused and on the market Adam would be lucky to get out alive, and if he wasn't madly in love with her sister of course. Her daughter wasn't the only one crushing on him; all three women in this house carried a little torch for him. Kim's was just a full on flamethrower.

"Can I buy you dinner?" Adam played with her fingers as they rested on his thigh. "I figure you are broke?"

"Ha, I had some unexpected expenses today."

"The maternity pads were a nice touch." Kim teased him, she knew he still wasn't comfortable and the way he kept looking at her it was cute. He was begging her to stop.

"I panicked, people where staring at me and I was spending far too much time in that aisle."

"Nicole wants me to thank you. So let me buy you dinner?"

"Nicole owes me, big time." He stared straight at her and he didn't bother to hide the look of desperate need as his lips twitched into the smallest of smiles. "And yes, you can buy me dinner." The smile turned to a grimace as her hand crept higher and higher. "Or you can come back to my place and cook me dinner."

"I'd like that."

"Just one question?"

Kim knew what was coming, she could tell by the look on his face "No." Kim dug her fingers into his inner thigh and nudged his shoulder with hers but it was her smile that lit up the room and that alone made his heart race.

 **A/N: I banged this out in a hurry so forgive me if it is a bit rough, but I had an idea and ran with it. I usually don't post a chapter until I have agonised over it for weeks but this one I wrote last night. It came from a chat I had with someone about awkward conversations and I tried to imagine how terrible Adam would be at them. Also I know I completely ignored the end of the last chapter...annoying right?**


	13. Sandcastles

**Sorry, it's been a while. It's been a struggle to feel Burzek this season so far. It seems they continue to screw them over. The whole sister thing also threw a spanner in the works, I mean hello...since when does Ruzek have a sister. So I hope I've managed to make some kind of sense...**

"So I laid my heart on the line and she kicked me in the nuts again." Adam stared at the bottom of his glass. He was done, this time he was done.

"Well she's an idiot."

"Nah, I'm the idiot. I thought we were getting somewhere, you know." He shrugged and held up his empty glass towards the barman who nodded and bought the bottle of bourbon over.

"You want me just to leave it here?" He topped up his glass and set the bottle down on the bar. "I'm not getting any younger walking back and forward every few minutes."

Adam nodded and threw a fifty on the bar. "Cover it?"

"Close enough." The barman slid the bill off the bar and left them to it.

"Adam, enough. How many times now has she done this?" Kate was kind of getting sick of hearing about it. She had called him to talk about her problem but yet again she had to sit and listen to him crap on and on about this chick who seemed like a right royal bitch. "Let it go."

"Yeah." He nodded as he knocked back another shot. "Yeah. I will…." Slowly he watched his glass as he filled it back up. "…I will try."

For weeks they'd been getting closer again. He'd told her that he still loved her and she had squeezed his hand and said that she knew. She'd asked him to stay over when she was struggling to deal with what was going on with Nicole and Adam had stepped up and supported her throughout it all. He could feel her struggling to stay away from him but he was a gentleman and he wanted to build the foundation up again, he wanted to be her friend, someone she could rely on and depend on and he bided his time. She'd come over one night and cooked him dinner and she'd stayed the night. They'd fallen into bed and the next morning she had told him that she loved spending the night with him but she wasn't ready for a relationship yet but perhaps they could keep it casual and see where it led.

Then she had gone away with Nicole for a weekend and suddenly she started pulling away again. He asked her what was going on and she said nothing and when Nicole moved out Kim asked for some space. It had been intense dealing with what went on with Nicole and Zoe and she hadn't had a moment to herself. Before she came back to work she'd taken off for a two-week holiday to lie on the beach and drink cocktails. She told him, before she left that she needed to learn how to be on her own again. Like the fool that he was he took her at her word. How many times now had she told him a lie and he just accepted it? He believed her, he believed in her because he loved her.

Coming back to work had been strange and seeing her everyday again was challenging especially when they decided they needed to keep things strictly professional. The dynamics had changed. Lindsay was gone, Halstead was like a bear with a sore head and Voight was stalking around the bullpen like a wild animal. Upton was a hard one to figure out so everyone laid low and they put whatever was going on with them on hold. Kim wanted to concentrate on getting her feet back under her in the Unit and starting something with Adam again would be a distraction.

Then she kicked him in the nuts. A few weeks earlier she had asked him to catch up for a few drinks, stupidly he'd agreed and they'd ended up back at his place again and it was sweet and he was insane for doing it but he started to hope.

 _'I've met someone.'_

Well no fucking more. He was done, he was bruised and battered and he was done.

Yet he wasn't even close to being done, but by fuck he had to try and one thing he did know that he could do was pretend it didn't bother him. He'd been doing that since the day he'd found out that she'd fucked Roman. It was the only thing he was good at, pretending it wasn't killing him slowly.

Kate held out her glass for Adam to fill. "Cut the bitch loose."

"Easier said than done. I have to see her everyday. I have to cover her ass."

"Then tell her to fucking pull her head in. She's leading you by the dick and you are letting her."

"You don't know her." She hated this. Adam would rant and rave about how badly she treated him and as soon as she told him to kick her to the curb, like she kept doing to him he'd get defensive and tell her not to have a go at Kim.

He was so pussy whipped by her it wasn't funny. Kate had seen this before; usually it was the woman that did the waiting. Sitting around getting treated like shit, waiting for their man to stop screwing around and come crawling back only to then end up crying in a bar when he no doubt cheated on her again. She'd seen it all before because she'd been that woman.

"I know she's leading you on."

"I let her."

"Then stop, or at least stop calling me up for a drink and whinging about how shit your life is particularly when you are just feeling sorry for yourself. What happened today? She smile at you? Bat her eyelids in your direction? You are as weak as piss sometimes." Kate was sick of his bullshit.

"You are a fucking ray of sunshine aren't you?"

"Someone has to be because you are a downer. Way to kill my buzz." She threw back the last shot. "I'm going."

Adam had been surprised to get a call from his sister. They hadn't talked for nearly fifteen years. Technically she was his half sister, a product of his Dad's last fling before he married his mom. He was twelve when she turned up on their doorstep and his parent's marriage disintegrated before his very eyes and he hated her for it. She ruined his life.

Like the sucker he was he let her back in. Kate called him up out of the blue and told him she wanted a relationship with him. That she had a son, Sammy and wanted him to have a relationship with his uncle. Adam was the only family she had. Her mother had died a few months prior and Kate was suddenly alone and reached out to her very estranged brother.

Adam was looking for some kind of anchor and Kate provided it. His one-night stands were hardly satisfying. They scratched the itch; he had a good time but made it abundantly clear that that was all they were. If any of those girls were hoping for more from him he set them straight and if they didn't get it the fact he gave them a wrong number soon fixed that.

Kate wasn't after anything other than family. They'd catch up once a week. Adam would have breakfast with them on a Sunday before Sammy's soccer game. Sometimes he'd go watch but the soccer moms were way too insane for him. As soon as they knew he was Kate's brother and not a boyfriend he became fresh meat and Kate read him the riot act when he hooked up with one of the Mom's, mainly because she had lied to Adam and told her that she was divorced. That was news to her husband. Adam was equally pissed and had stopped going to his games much to Sammy's disappointment. He did hate letting the kid down, but his life was shit enough. He didn't need some furious husband ripping his balls off at the soccer pitch.

He didn't even try to stop her as she stormed from the bar. He didn't care.

Now his life was falling apart. No, scratch that, it was crumbling faster than a sandcastle at high tide.

His mind was a foggy mess as he scrambled to find his phone. He blinked a few times trying to figure out where he was. The room wasn't familiar and neither was the naked body stretched out beside him. Par for the course lately.

He slipped out of bed, grabbing his clothes and crept into the bathroom to take the call.

"Adam, I need your help."

Now, he was fucked.


	14. Salt

Kevin was quiet, well quieter than usual and enough for Kim to notice. "How are Jordan and Nessa? All settled in?"

"Yep, missing home." He peered through the windscreen as the rain poured down. It was a summer storm and came on unexpectedly so they were waiting it out. Surely whoever was in the house they were intending to pay a visit to wasn't making any moves while the heavens were chucking it down.

"You okay Kev?"

"I am." Kevin drummed his fingers on the steering wheel. "How's the Assistant State Attorney Matt Miller going?" Kim smiled, nobody had really asked her about her boyfriend and as yet she hadn't invited him to meet anyone. She wanted to but was still a little nervous about how he would be received and not just because he was a lawyer.

"He's fine, we've both moved on and realised that we were just being impulsive." Kim assured him when he asked if she was hiding him from her friends because of her ex. "He's happy for me. I think you'd get on well with him."

Kim wanted someone to be happy for her but no one seemed to care. They never asked about him or made any indication that they wanted to meet him. She had been out with his friends and colleagues and had a good time but she missed her friends and the laughs they had and felt a little disconnected from everyone. Atwater asking about Matt gave her a little boost but it was short lived.

"Great. Great." She gushed. "He's funny, which I know for a lawyer is strange…."

"Assistant State's Attorney." Kevin corrected her.

Kim finally got the hint that Kevin wasn't asking out of concern for her. He didn't want to know how Matt was. He didn't care about Matt. "Actually he's a US Attorney, you know FBI and all." Kevin blew out a long slow breath between his teeth and the drumming of his fingers got louder. "What's the problem? What's Adam said?"

"Ruz? Nothing, why do you think Ruz would say anything?"

"Well he does have the tendency to get jealous."

Kevin couldn't help the bitter laugh that escaped his lips. "I know, I mean what's up with that? I mean what possible reason does he have to be jealous? You've made it patently obvious, several times now that he's only good to have around when you've got no other irons in the fire so he should be happy whenever you chose to throw him a bone."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"Well you were all hot and heavy and happily planning a wedding until Roman came along and you dumped him to jump into bed with Roman, then you were happy to lead him on again until Assistant _US_ Attorney Matt Miller popped up." Kevin's lip curled a little.

"Oh I get it, I get that you are Adam's friend but how about you drop the attitude. He's no saint." Kim folded her arms across her chest, the car suddenly felt very small. She chose to ignore the comment that she dumped Adam for Sean, she wasn't going back to that friggin' nightmare. "I like Matt, he treats me well. He's a straight up guy and goes after things he wants. He's successful and has worked hard to get where he is."

"Nope, he's no saint but he's as close as you are going to get and you know, we all work hard. So why don't you go and have fun with your lawyer." He held up his hand. "Sorry… Assistant US Attorney and stop crawling back to Ruz every time things go to shit for you. Next time you are bored or freak out about something leave Ruz alone." Kevin didn't even look at her. "I am sick of picking him up every time you kick him in the balls."

"Well thanks for that." She had no idea why Atwater kept mentioning what Matt did but it was annoying to say the least. Something told her though it wasn't complimentary and she'd be a fool to ask. What had started out as a nice change of pace being paired up with her old Patrol Partner had quickly become a bit of a shit storm and she had no idea why. Well she did and obviously it had everything to do with something Adam had said.

"Just calling it as I see it."

Kim held up her hand. "You've made your point."

"So have you, several times in fact so how about you stop rubbing salt into the wound." Atwater was on a roll and he knew he'd said too much and Ruz would ream him out but he couldn't stop himself, it had been brewing a long time. He loved Burgess, they'd been friends a long time but that didn't mean he had to accept her shitty behaviour and for the longest time she had been willing to blame everyone else when things went sideways and never actually looked in the mirror at her own behaviour. She couldn't just say, 'yep the lawyer' no, she had to make sure everyone knew he was a Assistant US Attorney. I mean that had to be a step up from a boring old cop right? Ruzek may have had a shit load of growing up to do but he wasn't on his lonesome there. "You've been too busy wrapped up in your own little world to notice that he's struggling with something or maybe you just don't care. He's off and I guess there is no point asking you if you know what's going on."

"What do you mean? What's he doing?"

"I don't know Burgess. He won't talk to anyone. I guess he feels like everyone has there own shit going on. He doesn't want to worry me because I was dealing with Jordan and Vinessa. Halstead is all over the shop and you, well you are too busy with your head up your own ass to notice that the guy you were going to marry is not doing so well." Before Kim could even answer there was a break in the clouds and Atwater was out of the car and bounding across the road leaving her a little gobsmacked and confused. Was she really so wrapped up in herself that she didn't notice that Adam was acting weird? He seemed fine when she last spoke to him.

Adam rubbed his temples, he blinked at the clock on his wall and he really had to go. He'd been called in an hour ago and usually he was there within a half hour but he was dragging his heels this morning. "What am I supposed to do?" The voice whined at him.

"I don't know Kate. I'm sorry I can't help."

"So you don't care that I'll lose my job if I don't turn up. I am already under the pump because I missed last week." She missed last week's shift because of a hang over. Kate was an aid in a Nursing Home for people with dementia. She hated it but Adam had called in a few favours with a girl he had been seeing on and off, very casually for a few months. It had cost him, he had to take her out a few times and while she wasn't a complete bust she was starting to get a little too clingy and he needed to pull the pin. One more thing he did for someone he quite frankly didn't like. "Sammy will miss out on his birthday party because I have no money."

"I will lend you the money."

"What good is that? I can't pay you back because I won't have a job."

"And if I blow off work today I won't either." Adam snapped. He'd got in way over his head with his sister and she just kept taking from him. Initially it was nice to be wanted, it was nice that someone cared enough to want to spend time with him and he did love that kid. He was a bit of a nerd and an oddball but they had smashed out a star wars marathon one night when Kate was working a night shift and went from there. "I'm sorry."

"Well thanks for fucking nothing. Hey Sammy.." she yelled out to her son. "…Uncle Adam won't be over so forget about soccer."

"Can't one of the other boy's Moms pick him up?"

"Those drunk bitches? I wouldn't trust them as far as I could kick them."

"You are one of those drunk bitches remember?" Adam finally snapped. She seemed to have a very short memory because it wasn't that long ago she was begging him to bail her out after she got picked up on a DUI and sadly it wasn't her first DUI either.

Kate had laid it on really thick, she blamed Adam because they had been drinking in the bar after he'd had yet another kick in the nuts from Kim. When she stormed out he didn't expect her to go and pick Sammy up on her way home. He actually didn't think she was dumb enough to drive but as he soon found out it wasn't that she had just made one mistake, it was one of many. She wasn't dumb; she just didn't care but she sure as hell made him feel guilty about it.

He made the charge go away because basically Kate was on her last warning and she was terrified that she would lose Sammy. CPD threatened to call in DCFS and Adam stupidly wanted to believe that she had learnt her lesson this time.

For all his bravado as a cop, and he had balls of steel on the job he was piss weak when it came to women and he let one after the other walk all over him. It had to stop.

A week later she had forgotten all about his efforts to bail her out and was back trying to guilt him into helping her out again. He needed to cut her loose, but that damn kid.

"Fuck you." He wasn't surprised when he heard the call disconnected.

Tossing his phone across the counter he leant forward and exhaled deeply and slammed his hands against the hard surface. "Fucking idiot." He chastised himself.

His phone rang and he reached for it expecting it to be Kate again, begging him for forgiveness and pleading with him to help her out, just 'one last time.'

 _'Mia'_

His head was pounding…..again. He seemed to have a permanent headache lately as he hauled his ass up the stairs and into work. Thank god no one was here and he was hoping that he'd be left on his own to get stuck into the case. Even this place had the ability to make his head throb lately. For such a long time it was a sanctuary for him, when his foot hit the top step he could just push everything to one side and be Officer Ruzek, a member of Intelligence and a bloody good cop.

Now, he doubted if anyone would piss on him if he were on fire. He certainly wouldn't.

"Hi." This was the last thing he needed. Kim bounded out of the break room with a coffee. He didn't know what was going on but she seemed overly intent on being friendly lately, to everyone. In the past he loved her enthusiasm but right now, at this point in time it was like a knife through his skull. "Sucks to be called in on a Sunday hey?"

"Yep." He slung his jacket over the back of his chair and turned on his computer. "Must have ruined your plans."

Kim actually thought he was being nice and that perhaps Atwater had been off course. She had watched him over the past few days and he had seemed fine. A little quieter but still the Adam she knew and …. She wasn't going there. "Well, we were…" Adam however didn't give her the chance to finish her sentence when he got up and walked into the break room with his coffee mug in his hand.

"Adam." Kim had followed him in there and he kept his back to her so she couldn't see his eye roll. "Are you okay?"

"Yep. Why wouldn't I be?"

"I was talking to Kev."

"Must have been nice. So nice in fact you are in here and I get the feeling I am about to get a lecture about something I've obviously done."

"He's worried about you?"

"Ahhhh….so _he's_ worried and you want to know why?" It would have been nice to hear that _she_ was worried, but he'd given up waiting for something like that to happen.

"Don't be a dick Adam."

"I'm fine Kim. I'm busy, I've got a bit going on." He poured one too many sugars in his coffee. "Speaking of which, we need to make a start on the background of this dead banger before Voight gets here."

He stopped in the doorway, a little too close to her. To close for him anyway because he could feel her heat and it wasn't his to want anymore. "I'm doing just fine, nothing that a few more hours sleep wouldn't fix." He winked at her and flashed her his crooked smile. _Yep he was piss weak._ "Tell Atwater to keep his eye on the prize."

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." He shrugged as he headed towards his desk.

Kev kept calling Matt 'Assistant US Attorney Matt Miller'. He sounds pissed off with him and me. You don't know anything about that do you?"

"Nope." He lied smoothly.

"He's not the bad guy." Kim watched Adam for a moment but his face was almost unreadable. There was something though and she couldn't put her finger on it, there was one point in time she could read him like a book but either she had lost that ability or he was better at hiding his tremendous pain from her. "He's a nice guy." She added weakly, she couldn't help herself.

"Dwayne Cole." He slapped the dead banger's photo up on the board. "What's his deal?"


	15. Pleasure and Pain

The thing about torture was that when you'd been a rock bottom even torture felt good. It felt sweet. He'd been at rock bottom for weeks, slowly he was finding a way out, ever so slowly but he woke up each day not knowing whether he'd live to see another. It was torture, it was all torture but right now he was going to enjoy the sweetness of it and worry about the pain tomorrow.

A soft body wrapped around yours, fingers entwined and stretched overhead, a leg around your waist, the soft tickle of air as a moan escaped their lips it was all torture, the sweetest feeling in the world.

How many times had he closed his eyes and pretending that the body beneath his was hers? How many times had he opened his eyes tried to hide the disappointment when the body straddling him with their hands on his chest wasn't the one he needed it to be?

He squeezed his eyes shut as he felt the soft tug on his earlobe and pushed himself deeper, deeper into this sweet torture. Was this what he wanted? Yes, right now of course it was. In the morning? Not even close. It would send him spiralling to the bottom again, but right now, he didn't give a fuck.

"I missed you." The words were soft against his neck. "Adam, god Adam." She panted.

They'd left Molly's in a hurry and when he had thrown the bills on the bar and caught up with her she was already hailing a cab. "Kim, slow down." He pushed her away lightly when she attacked his lips.

"I don't want to stop."

"Slow down Baby." She hesitated when he said that and a small fragment of clarity started to inch it's way into her mind, she saw his need. He saw it and kissed her hard. He saw that hesitation and feared that this was going to be over before it even started so he made damn sure she knew he wasn't walking away from her tonight.

Fortunately he lived close, more by luck than good management. This place came up when he came back from his UC assignment and he loved that it was so close to Molly's, close enough for a sobering stagger home, but not tonight.

It was a quiet trip. He didn't want to speak lest his heart overruled his head and he said too much, she didn't want to speak lest he tell her he wasn't capable for just having fun with her.

Unlocking the door to his place she stepped inside first, he always let her go first, it was the gentlemanly thing to do but he stopped and closed the door quietly and as he turned around she pushed him up against the door and attacked his lips.

As he'd done so many nights recently he made his mind go blank and his hands take over and pushed her jacket from her shoulders, she tilted her neck back as he trailed kisses down her throat and when he reached her cleavage his hands slipped underneath her shirt and pulled it over her head in one motion. His mind didn't stay blank though because every single part of this was an assault on his senses. The smell of her, the touch of her and the desperation in her that he had committed to memory and buried deep within him.

A small smile played at the corner of his mouth as she ripped the buttons on his shirt and added it to the rapidly growing pile of clothes at their feet. When her hands grabbed at his buckle he almost lost it and then she had hold of him and he banged his head on the door at the sweet sensation of her touch. "Fuck." He growled and picked her up with one arm, forcing her to let him go and staggered towards the couch, he couldn't make it to the bedroom.

It was sweet, that moment, that precious moment and for the first time in a long time he felt happy, but it was fleeting. It had to be.

"Oh god." She kept kissing him because if she kissed him they didn't have to talk. Even when she jumped up off the couch and he stayed and admired her sweet body as she found his bathroom she didn't say anything. He still didn't know if he believed her, if some of what she told Isabel wasn't true. The part about him not loving her wasn't true, not in the slightest, but maybe, just maybe she believed that it wasn't and he had to prove it to her that he did love her once, that he still loved her. Even if she never believed it, he had to try and fix his mess. He had to fix his life.

He followed her and sat on his bed waiting and watching her lean on the doorframe and smile was like heaven. "Did you have fun?" Adam whispered quietly.

"Yes." Sauntering towards him she pushed him back on the bed and climbed into his lap. "Did you?"

"Yes." He lied smoothly. He couldn't call it fun, torture wasn't fun but it had given him life.

Holding his arms above his head she grinded her hips and kissed his familiar chest. His smell filled her nostrils and made her giddy. "I've missed you."

Adam sat up and caught her lips between his teeth to stop her talking. "Don't break the spell." He begged her. "Let me feel safe here."

She had no idea what he meant. Safe? He'd never used words like that before; Adam wasn't one to talk like that. "What?"

"Don't Kim, don't." he needed to stop this but she held his face between her hands.

"Talk to me Adam."

"No, I just need to feel you. Just once more."

Kim wanted to stop him, this was madness and she knew that back in the bar, she could just have fun with Adam but she convinced herself that this was precisely what it was. What was that she told him earlier? You need to convince yourself of one thing because it's better than the alternative. Whatever the hell that meant. Convincing herself that she could have a night of fun with him was better than the alternative.

She just had no idea what the alternative was? Never having sex with him again, because he was mighty in that department. That had been once disappointment after the other since then. Or was the alternative risking her heart again by telling him she loved him? Fun, she went with fun, it was better for both of them this way.

Stopping him was easier said than done. She was powerless to stop him because he knew how to make her feel like a queen. He knew where to touch her, kiss her and make her lose her mind and he was doing all that right now.

Picking her up and flipping her onto her back before she could breathe he was all over her, his rough stubble tickling her chest, then her stomach and finally her thighs. She gripped the sheets of his bed in each hand as she arched her back and she felt him smile against her skin. He was so good, so god damn good.

Blinking at the shaft of light that was creeping over the room Kim stretched out and rolled over to find the bed empty. He had folded her clothes up and put them on the end of the bed for her and she slipped on her jeans and t-shirt and went looking for him.

"Good Morning." She found him in the kitchen making coffee and as she climbed up onto one of the stools he slid a cup across the bench towards her. "Sleep OK?"

"I did."

"Good. Not sure if you want to grab a shower here or at home. I can get you a towel if you want." He leant on the bench as far away from her as possible. His hair was a mess, his t-shirt and sweats wrinkled, he looked like a very hot mess.

"No, I'll shower at home. What time is it?" The coffee was hot, he always made it too hot and Kim felt it burn her tongue. She sucked on it quickly and Adam just added some cold water to it without saying a word.

"A touch after six. Plenty of time to get to work."

"Adam." Draining the rest of his coffee he rinsed his cup under the tap as she slid off the stool and came to stand beside him, he took a deep breath as she rested one hand on his forearm and stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek. "Thanks for last night."

"Okay." The sweetness of last night's torture was replaced with a bitter pain, one that he had no one else to blame for but himself. Kim quickly gathered up her things and Adam didn't move. "You know…" he finally spoke when her hand was on the doors knob. "It wasn't just about fun, not for me."


	16. Guns and Fun

"Where is everybody?" Burgess thought she was late and had missed everyone. Molly's was a little forced lately, no one really felt any great need to hang out here at the moment. Shit was going on, things were off kilter and it seemed rather than poke the bear they all pulled back at little. Tonight had been a snap decision to try and get back that old spark. "Have they gone already?" She knew stopping at the gym on the way home was a bad idea but the yoga class was calling and she felt like she needed to stretch and chill out a little and yoga certainly did that.

Kevin was sitting by himself, nursing a beer and spinning his phone around on the table as she slid into an empty barstool with her beer. "Nope, they'll be here. Dawson was just finishing off, Halstead needed a shower because man he stank and Upton is doing her usual."

Not that they knew what her usual was, and despite asking her on several occasions she was still a mystery to them.

"And Ruzek?"

"Said he had something on, said it was more fun than hanging out hashing out how fucked today was."

"That was rough out there hey?"

"Yep." Kevin finished his beer and waved at the bar for a refill. "Did he tell you about it?"

"No. What happened?" Adam didn't tell her a lot lately. Something was going on with him but he made it quite clear that she needed to stop trying to claw her way in. Unless she wanted the full bottle, he wasn't giving her a sip just because she was thirsty.

"Ahh, you know CI's, shit can go sideways in the blink of an eye. You of all people should know that." Kevin didn't have much more to add. Ruzek hadn't talked much on the way back to the District, partly because they had Ray in the car and Ruzek was clearly pissed with him. The kid's death hit him hard.

"I do."

Something Kevin had said was nagging at her, he said he had something on which was 'fun'…that was what she often called what they were doing, just some fun. He had been disappointed when he tried to push her into admitting that they should define their casual hook ups as something more but Kim refused. He'd stepped back again, like he always did when he didn't get his way but the lure of spending time with her, even if it was just on the odd occasion was better than the nothing he'd had for months. So they'd have some 'fun'.

He kicked off his boots by the door and left a trail of clothes from the front door to his bedroom. The hot shower soothed his aching body, not that he'd done much physical shit today but he still ached. The mind was a powerful thing, and because that was exhausted so was the rest of him.

Grabbing a beer from his fridge after digging around and finding some clean sweats and hoodie to wear he stood by the open door and knocked it back. It felt good. Reaching for his phone he saw the message from Kevin, reminding him how much of a pussy he was for bailing out on Molly's. "Yeah, yeah. Kev." He muttered and typed at quick response. He didn't really think about what it said, he was more interested in deciding what pizza to order and what game to watch.

He was half asleep, four empty beer bottles and a half eaten pizza on the table next to his feet when he heard a knock on his door. It wasn't a surprise to open it and find her there.

"Burgess." He leant on the door. "Checking up on me?"

"Yes."

"That's nice. I'm all good. Beer, pizza and a game what more could a man want?" Regardless he stepped aside, opened the door further and let her in. He was kind of weak like that.

Kim dumped her bag on the bench and put the six-pack of beer she bought in the fridge and grabbed two out and followed him. Adam hadn't waited; he'd headed straight back to the lounge room, leaving her do her thing in his kitchen. "Rough few days?" She handed him his beer.

"Yeah, rough for that Mom and that kid. Piece of shit drug dealers I don't care about."

"What about Ray?"

"What about him?" Adam pushed himself into the corner of his couch, as far away from her as possible. It was a game they played and it always ended up in the same place. In his bed. "Dug his own grave."

"You believe that?

"I can't help him anymore Kim, I tried. It wasn't my fault, I don't regret what I did."

"What? Today or when all that shit went down?"

"I was two years on the job, busting my ass on patrol because Voight decided I needed to do a few extra shifts on patrol to learn the ropes and live in the real world. I was doing double time in Intelligence and on patrol trying to prove that I wasn't a flake. It would have bitten me on the ass if I lied to cover Ray." He shook his head. "No-one was going to cover my ass."

"I know all this, Adam but you can't blame Ray for feeling pissed."

"You don't say. Fucking asshole pulled a gun on me. He put a gun to my head." He tapped his temple angrily. "You know what that feels like don't you?"

"I do." Staring down the barrel off a gun was something she never wanted to deal with again. At least she had someone who was willing to wrap his arms around her and tell her it was going to be okay.

"Then he tries to pull suicide by cop on me and tried to put it on me that he was in that situation. It was his choice to try and play both sides on the fence, and he lost." He was agitated. "It's bullshit. I won't go down for someone like him."

"Adam, it's not your fault. This is not on you. Ray did it to himself."

"But it could be us one day. One bad decision, and we've all had them. You pull the trigger first to protect yourself. You've done it."

"And, I went to court and had to prove that it was a good shot. Ray couldn't do that, he couldn't prove it was a good shot." The flash of anger in his eyes told her everything. He wasn't over that, not by a long shot. Time had not lessened his anger or pain. "You are a good cop Adam, Voight wouldn't keep you around if you weren't. At the end of the day, you did nothing wrong. Ray is going to get his serve and you get to sit here, enjoy a beer and cold pizza..." She reached forward and grabbed a cold piece of pizza and took a bite. It was his favourite, sausage, tomato, mushroom and chilli. "..with someone who understands you better than you think."

"And what do you understand about me right now?"

"That you told Kev you were doing something fun tonight."

He laughed a little bitterly and waved his free hand at the empty beer bottles and half eaten pizza. "And here I am."

Kim stood up, sauntered over to him and took the beer from his hand and put it on the table before climbing into his lap. He couldn't help himself, his hands grabbed her hips and made damn sure she was right where he wanted her. "Fun?"

"Fun." Kim dipped her head and planted one on him. She knew precisely how to get him to respond. She knew the right amount of tongue to use to make him forget about everything else and focus on them. It wasn't long before her sweater joined his hoodie on the floor and the rest of their clothes soon followed.

They didn't make it off the couch; she didn't make it off his lap. He buried his head in her chest and let his mind go, they both did. They didn't talk much, a few desperately whispered words spoken in the heat of the moment but not much else.

"I know you hate this."

"I don't hate it, not at all." Kim tilted her head and gave him a look like she didn't believe a word he was saying. "I don't hate it, but I hate that tomorrow we walk into work like none of this has gone on. I hate that."

"So do I."

"Then tell me why?" It was hard to think of one plausible reason why as he was running his hand up and down her bare back, drawing circles and making her skin tingle.

"Because I am scared of what being in love with you again will be like."

"That bad?"

"No, way too good." Burying her head in his chest for a moment she breathed him in, his natural body scent mingled with his body wash was comforting and intoxicating. She hated the morning after, when she had a shower and washed his scent off her before they went to work. "I don't want it to fall apart again."

"Than don't let it."

"It's not that easy."

"It can be. It was easy before, before…." He let the rest of the sentence die on his lips. Instead her kissed her, rolling off the couch and pulled her up and into the bedroom. "…now let's have some more fun." He wasn't going there. "We've got to go to work tomorrow but the night is young."

He was sitting at his desk when she arrived the next morning. Stopping by his desk she placed a coffee on the corner. "Good Morning Ruzek." He smiled, leant back in his seat and grabbed the coffee. "We missed you at Molly's last night. Kev was mopey."

Voight came out with his jacket in his hand before he could answer. "Ruzek." he barked. "Let's go."


	17. Fun's Over

"Oh Hey Adam." Kim uttered a little breathlessly as she slid into the seat opposite him. "Sorry I am late." They had agreed to meet up for breakfast, or rather Adam had asked her to come meet him for breakfast. It had made her a little nervous and she'd struggled to get to sleep but once she finally gave in she was out like a light.

Sleeping through her alarm was not what she wanted to do. Being late was one of her pet hates and at times, what frustrated her about Adam. He always pushed the envelope when it came to timing.

"No problems. I can't believe you slept in, that's un-Kim like." She had sent him a message apologising profusely. "I figured it would be me running through the door."

Sitting back while they ordered and waited for their coffee they chatted away about the week at work and how stressful it had been. Everyone was on edge, and no one wanted to be there but they still had a job to do.

Al had been stabbed, brutally and all the secrets came spilling out onto the bullpen floor. It had gotten rough, way rougher than anyone expected and even to the point where no one knew who to trust. Intelligence right now was fractured; it didn't feel like family. It felt like a bunch of people who just turned up to work each day, they didn't go to Molly's, they didn't see each other outside of work and no-one talked about what was going on in their lives. Once they walked out of the district they may as well been strangers. It was weird and uncomfortable. Strap on that badge and gun though and it was all business.

Even them, they hadn't hooked up for weeks and it was frustrating but it did give him some clarity about what he wanted and where he needed to point himself from now on.

Once he'd finished his bacon and eggs he pushed aside his plate and decided it was now or never. He drummed his fingers against the side of his coffee mug. "I want to talk about us."

"I thought you might."

"I don't think it's any secret that I love you, but I know we are in two completely different places right now."

"Adam…"

He held up his hand, getting this out up front was what he needed to do. "Really Kim, I get it. It's okay. That's just how it is and how it's going to stay so I need to do what's best for both of us and tell you that I want more. I always have and I think it's time to stop trying to convince myself that I am okay with having fun."

Already her heart was thudding wildly and her palms were sweaty. "It's more than that." She wasn't quite sure she was ready to take the next step. It had been working well for them and quite frankly the feelings were there they just hadn't admitted them. When she told him it was just some 'fun' when this all started that was how she felt and what she needed to do to protect herself. Since then she'd been hiding behind that but this day was always going to come.

"Is it? When I was twenty having fun was basically all I wanted, but I don't want that anymore. This isn't going to work, for either of us so I am going to walk away."

"Adam please don't." It hit her out of the blue. Unexpectedly she felt her heart skip a beat. This wasn't what she thought was going to happen. He was going to beg her for more but instead he went the other way and didn't even give her a chance, he didn't beg and plead. He just gave up. Again.

"Kim, it's okay. I am ready to move on, I've put my life on hold waiting for something that isn't going to happen and I can't do it anymore. If all this shit over the past few weeks has taught me anything is that life is short and I don't want to sit around waiting for something that is never going to happen."

"But it can happen, Adam. One day it can, just not yet."

He shook his head and took a deep breath. He still had that hope that she'd tell him that things had changed for her and he'd probably believe it, or at least want to. He felt his resolve weakening. "No, it can't because I'd always be wondering if you were going to leave again. I want you to be happy, I know that's not with me." That's what killed him the most, that he couldn't make her happy and that was a failing on his part.

"Are you seeing someone else?"

It was strange and wasn't what he expected her to ask. They may not have actually been together, but having sex with her was close enough for him. He wouldn't cheat on her, he wasn't going to risk snuffing out that thin sliver of hope he had. He did like that she seemed jealous though but he was also a little angry that she of all people dared question him on that. It wasn't him that walked away; it wasn't him that shacked up with her partner in a hot minute. So what if he'd met someone, it's not like she hadn't done it. He would have told her though and that was the difference. "No, but I want to. I want to find someone who is on my page." He at least needed to find someone who wasn't scared to try.

"What if that person is me?"

"Are you on my page. You want to push this forward?"

She hesitated and he had his answer. "Adam, it's not that simple."

"I know, but you know what. I want simple. I want to be with someone who loves me, who wants to be with me and not just for a bit of fun on the side. Don't get me wrong; I really like it and I don't regret one single night I've spent with you. It's always been fantastic, but it shouldn't be this hard. I know I am not that easy, I have demons and so do you. It wasn't this hard at the start, and while I know it's not a walk in the park being in a relationship, shit my folks showed me that, I just can't do this back and forth either."

"We are good together."

"Yes, but Kim we are not together. This isn't together." He leant over and squeezed her hand when he saw the tears welling in her eyes. "It's okay Kim."

It wasn't okay though, it was so far from okay she didn't know what to think. This is what she wanted from him two years ago, he was supposed to come and tell her that they could work it out or at least talk, it didn't happen. He was always happy to just go with the flow. Why now? Sure they had both changed and grown but that growth was supposed to end up with them together and she was confused because he seemed happy at the moment with them. What she did know though was that she loved him and now the thought that she'd lost him was like a red-hot poker in her gut. It is so much easier when you are the one doing the walking away.

This had been a disaster from the start. They rushed into the forever but that didn't mean that she thought they would never have it. It wasn't the right time and she had put her relationships above her career and that was a bad call, an immature one. However much she loved Adam they were too early for each other. The last few months had been, not perfect but comforting and she felt like they were heading in the same direction at least. She had no idea when Adam had taken another fork in the road and they were getting further away rather than closer.

Deep down she kind of knew though that they couldn't keep on this path. He had told her that night at Molly's that he wanted to try again but she insisted that it was just some fun and he agreed. What she chose to ignore was that she knew Adam didn't just want fun, and he kept telling her that but she was happy to keep playing the game, protecting her fragile heart and hide away from the fact that she knew Adam was in love with her still and that she still loved him. It was easier this way and it was the hardest thing she ever did. She gambled and she lost.

"I don't want it to end like this."

"How do you want it to end? Like it did last time?" He had so many regrets about that, he'd been stupid and should have tried harder but she hadn't made it easy for him so he gave up. Her fling with her partner had hurt him like nothing else so rather than confront her he scuttled away to lick his wounds.

"No, no. It wasn't the end then."

"It was, it felt like it was. I must admit I prefer it this way." He let a little sigh out. There was no point rehashing the past, they'd talked, yelled and argued over that and eventually agreed there was nothing more to say and let it go. "The place we are now is better, for me anyway."

"What does it matter? It's still exactly the same."

"Yes it is." He stood up, his own emotions far too close to the surface. He bent down, held her face in his hands and softly ran his thumbs over her cheeks before kissing her softly. "I love you, I always will but this is the end of us for now. See ya." He left abruptly, unable to stick around to see the fallout because that would break him and he was broken enough already.

Kim spent the day in a bit of a daze. She had this huge hole in her heart, an Adam sized hole. Sure there had been this hole in heart before but it didn't feel as cavernous or final. He did say that this was the end for now so there was this tiny little bit of light, didn't feel like it right now though.

For a while she sat and let it sink in. She imagined this is what it felt like for him when she called it off. It felt like she couldn't breathe. Eventually the fog cleared. He wasn't doing this. He wasn't letting all this good go.

Adam wasn't surprised when he opened his door to see Kim on the other side. He silently stood aside and let her in. Closing the door he leant on it for a moment before taking a deep breath and turning around. Kim was just behind him and when he turned she smashed her lips into his. If he was stunned it didn't take him long to respond and the kiss was wild.

"Tell me you don't think that is worth fighting for?" Kim finally pulled away.

"I never said it wasn't worth fighting for, I just don't want to be the only one trying."

"What does that mean?"

"You keep telling me this is just some fun for you. That's not fighting Kim."

"Okay, okay." She rested her hand on his chest, her fingers just catching the collar of his shirt and he jumped a little when he felt her fingertips on his skin. "I am not walking out of here until we get on the same page because while I am happy with my career, I love Intelligence, it was always what I wanted and I did it but I am not happy in here." She tapped her chest.

"I'm sorry."

"Adam, I don't want to be on your page." He closed his eyes. Why the fuck would she do this? Turn up and make this even harder. Wasn't this morning enough? He had felt like shit all day and even though it felt like it was his only choice it still hurt to see the look of devastation in her eyes. "Adam, look at me."

Slowly he opened his eyes and they looked dark and troubled. "Kim…"

"Let's find a new page, write our own story. Let's write a book..." Stepping closer she laced her fingers through his and pulled his arm around her back, his breathing was as rapid as hers as she felt the tenseness in his body. "…and I am not leaving here until we start."

 _ **A/N: Finally! All done. My final chapter of Burzek ever. It's been a journey, good, bad and ugly. When I started writing Burzek I honestly didn't think we'd be two and half seasons down the track and still be in this limbo. I still have hope that one day they might throw us a bone but it would be bad for anyone's health to hold their breath.**_

 _ **Thank you to all those lovely reviewers, messages of support, great suggestions and constructive advice on how to improve my stories and writing. I hope it has improved over time.**_

 _ **Anyway, time for other things. Hopefully another Burzek writer will find some inspiration and put themselves out there. It's not as easy as it seems but it can be rewarding, so I urge you to give it a go.**_

 _ **Take Care & Goodbye.**_


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